by Kirstie Rounce
At 25 years old with a 3 year old daughter, a partner of 5 years, our own house and stable jobs we decided it was a good time to have another baby, never in a million years did I think that I would have any problems with my pregnancy.
It never even crossed my mind that my pregnancy would end at just 8 weeks in.
We found out we were expecting the day we flew out to Gran Canaria for a week, we had a wonderful holiday, in our own little bubble excited and talking about life as a family of 4, already making plans for a new baby in the house. We returned from holiday and booked in for an early pregnancy scan to confirm gestation, we were only 5 weeks along but with a strong little heartbeat.
As our 3 year old had overheard us talking she was excited and had already told all of our family - our biggest mistake. Just 3 weeks later over a weekend I had a tiny bit of spotting, nothing major, it was hardly even there, I thought maybe it was implantation bleeding.
After speaking to my partner and mum, we decided it was probably nothing and we would wait and see if it happened again. On the Monday morning although no more bleeding I was having some little cramp like pains.
After ringing the early pregnancy assessment unit just to be safe I was booked In to have a scan that afternoon.
My partner came home from work to come with me, sitting in the waiting room we naively thought we would see our little bean on the screen with its heartbeat flickering away and everything would be ok.
Lying on the bed with silence in the room the sonographer was trying her best to keep looking and looking until those words came out of her mouth "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat"
I instantly hated her even though it wasn't her fault. The tears began to stream down my face my partner just held me in silence. We never ever expected that would happen to us. I suddenly felt like I was the only woman in the world who knew what hearing those words felt like.
In a state of devastation and shock I was then given a 'choice' of what I wanted to happen next as it was a missed miscarriage, my body hadn't yet rejected it which meant we had to force my body into doing this.
My options - 1) come back the next day, have some tablets inserted and force my body to reject it. 2) Just wait for my body to do it naturally - can take up to a few week. or 3) wait for a week and come back to have it surgically removed.
I think after hearing that news the last thing you want to do is be faced with a decision on how to get rid of your baby that you already loved more than anything, you don't want to get rid of it but you have no choice.
Having to then go home and tell our family our baby had died was so heart-breaking.
I will never forget watching my partner break down and sob like I've never seen before.
I have never felt so lonely in my life, even with all my families support I felt like I was going through it all by myself, I felt like I was the only woman on this earth who had felt heartache like this.
The only way I can describe is 'its just not fair' all control was out of my hands. After choosing to go into hospital and have the tablets inserted, an over night stay on the ward from being quite poorly with it, it was all over and done with - well in everyone else's opinion that was.
Afterwards I experienced a complete rollercoaster of emotions: feeling like I needed to be pregnant again, feeling like I never wanted to be pregnant again and should just count myself lucky I already had one healthy daughter.
People saying 'everything happens for a reason', and 'it wasn't meant to be' doesn't make it any easier at all, and in fact they are the last things you want to be hearing.
You honestly feel like no one else has ever had a miscarriage, until slowly the more people you tell what has happened to you actually reply with 'I know exactly how you feel, I've been through the same'. Its actually amazing the amount of people you know that has been through a miscarriage but its just never talked about.
The grieving process takes so long, everyone else's lives carry on but for you it feels like every woman in the world is announcing her pregnancy, listening to her baby's heartbeat for the first time or announcing the birth of her beautiful healthy baby, its everywhere you turn.
Your not jealous of them, you just constantly think that's all I wanted, why me? I don't think its something you ever get over, its most certainly not something you forget, or even forget exactly how it feels, you just learn to deal with it.
I have been very very lucky and 16 months later I now have a 5 year old daughter and a happy healthy 6 month old baby boy, my pregnancy with him was not exciting as it should be for constantly worrying we were going to have another miscarriage.
Although I now have another healthy baby I still think about our little angel every day.
I wonder what they would be like, I still remember when my due date should have been which in turn should be their birthday and every year the 6th October never gets easier and I still hear them words "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat" like it was yesterday.
I hope this story isn't too long, and I hope it helps somebody else. I am more than happy for anyone who reads my story to contact me if they need some reassurance that they're not on their own.
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