I have lost five babies, but will never give up hope

I have lost count of how many scans I have had, I have never got far enough to see anything but an empty sac. I cannot imagine the amazing feeling of leaving a scan with that precious photo of my baby

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May 2016

by Shaunie

Me and my fiance started trying for our first baby in March 2014, and were over the moon when we fell pregnant within 3 weeks! We told everyone our news and didn't for one minute think anything would go wrong. Within a week of finding out I started bleeding and after a few scans a week apart it was discovered I had what was called a 'blighted ovum' where the pregnancy sac continues to grow whilst the baby does not.

We were devastated but very hopeful that we would go on to have a baby as being told by so many health professionals 'miscarriage is so common this is normal '. 

We got on with life and within a few months discovered I was pregnant again. As soon as you get that positive pregnancy test you fall in love with that life growing inside of you, no matter how many weeks you are. With this pregnancy I was worried, but still had lots of hope, so couldn't believe when I started bleeding within a few days of finding out I was pregnant.

I went to the early pregnancy unit and was told it was already over and that 'I was way too young to be worrying about this kind of thing, I have plenty of time'.

Still to this day, words cannot explain how empty and heart broken you feel when you lose a baby. I am a mother without a baby, and no one understands this unless it has happened to you. This miscarriage hit me hard and I was consumed with rage and so bitter at everything and everyone, I was not in a good place.

I sought counselling which didn't really help and signed off work for a few weeks. Again, no one would carry out any tests on us as 'it is still so common to have 2 miscarriages'. 

Life went on, and whilst I was in a bad place, all we could do was to keep trying. Taking a break was not an option for me - I was literally obsessed with having our miracle baby. In January 2015, I got pregnant again and could not be happy at all until I had a scan.

I then faced weeks of being told I had a 'pregnancy of unknown location'. 2 or 3 weeks seemed like a life time, the early pregnancy unit were not worried at all, even though I kept getting agonising pain in my side. I rang them more than once begging them to scan me again as I was sure it was an ectopic pregnancy.

I was told by the nurse on the phone 'its not an ectopic, take some paracetamol and just rest'. I felt they were so uncaring and lacked compassion completely. I am a nurse myself and I was disgraced by their attitude. After about 3 weeks of rising HCG and severe pain we paid for a private scan where they confirmed our worst fears; it was an ectopic pregnancy.

I was rushed straight to hospital where they finally took me seriously and had the decency to look a little embarrassed. I ended up keeping my fallopian tube as it resolved itself naturally. I would say to date this was my lowest point. I felt like I didn't even want to live and felt there was no point in being alive without ever having a baby.

I now had the added worry of having a future ectopic pregnancy and losing one of my tubes

I was put on antidepressants and told to just 'keep trying'. 

Fast forward one year, and I am just recovering from my fifth miscarriage. I was finally allowed to send away the pregnancy tissue for genetic testing, only to find out last week that they have not done any genetic testing, just a biopsy and have since threw the sample away.

I am unsure if the NHS made a mistake or not, but it is yet another blow as I will never know why I had my last miscarriage. It is hard to be positive and stay strong and have hope when life just seems to keep punishing us. We seem to have nothing but bad luck.

We are under going private tests to find any problems and pray every day that we will eventually have our miracle baby. I feel as a woman I am a failure, but I also know I am not alone and need to speak up about miscarriage.

One of the hardest things is waiting for a scan to 'make sure all pregnancy remains are gone' while surrounded by excited pregnant couples. I have lost count of how many scans I have had, I have never got far enough to see anything but an empty sac.

I cannot imagine the amazing feeling of leaving a scan with that precious photo of my baby, but all I can do is keep going and try to have hope. I used to be happy and love life, but having 5 miscarriages has left me depressed. I have panic attacks and severe anxiety. I am bitter and negative.

One day, I hope I will be happy again, when we finally have our baby in our arms.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 17 May 2016 - 21:45

    Shaunie's, I am sending heart felt love and hope for you and your Fiancé. I have just lost my 3Rd baby and my first lost was down to a misdiagnosed ectopic to which the doctors in a & e said it was stretching pains even though my own doctors letter clearly requested I had to have and emergency early pregnancy scan. So I truly feel your pain, the trauma it causes is unimaginable. Talk until you can't talk no more, crying until you have no more tears and on the days that you feel better embrace the day with hope. Don't feel like a failure, you are an amazing woman who has gone through more than some people ever will in a life time. God bless and I truly hope that you and I and all that feel our pain will finally be blessed with the most precious gift we could ever receive. Xxx

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