My miscarriage journey started when I was only 18 years old. I was with my long term boyfriend and I had no idea I was pregnant. Before I went to get in the bath something that looked like a small kidney dropped out of me, I just stared at it. I've never seen anything like it before. I said to my boyfriend "well I don't think that's normal." I didn't know what to do so I put it down the toilet and carried on with my night.
I later spoke to my mum, nan and auntie about it and they said it sounded like a miscarriage. I was so shocked that I just cried. How could that happen to me? But they said I'm young so when were ready, I'll be able to have another. Even though I didn't know I was pregnant, it hurt to think about losing a baby.
I went to the doctor and he laughed at me and told me so many ladies bring him their clots in and ask if its a baby and most of the time its just a normal pregnancy clot. He wasn't taking me seriously. I knew in my gut it was a miscarriage so I requested blood tests and it soon came back and confirmed what I had thought. I switched to a female doctor who has continued to help me throughout my miscarriage journey.
I went on to have another 3 miscarriages before 'Pip.' We went for a scan, heartbeat was seen but not so long after I was told the dreaded words 'sorry Kadee, I cannot find a heartbeat.' I was distraught and totally devastated. Luke and my mum was also very upset. I was taken on to the ward and told that I'd had a missed miscarriage. Pip had stopped growing and the tiny heart had stopped beating. I was given my options and opted for a medical assisted miscarriage, they started me off and within no time I was staring at Pip in a bedpan.
After this experience I felt suicidal, I didn't how could I go on. I was crying all the time and could barely make it out of bed.
I felt alone, I had no one to understand and talk to. I couldn't control what was happening and felt useless and worthless as a woman.
I started searching online for tests I could have and my excellent doctor referred me to my local hospital to discuss things further. I was told I could have basic tests there but that I would need to be referred to a specialist hospital for further testing. This gave me the hope I needed to carry on. They said due to being so young London St Mary's may not accept me but the referral was put forward. I sought advice online on London St Mary's and came across a forum for recurrent miscarriage, the ladies gave me the support that no one else could. They had been in my shoes and could understand how I feel.
My local hospital later removed a cyst from my ovary and I soon had my results back from the London St Mary's tests. Everything is normal. There's no reason why I cannot carry a baby. I questioned my relationship with Luke, maybe we were just not compatible. I tried my best to push Luke away. I didn't want him to stay in a relationship with me when I may not ever be able to provide him with a baby and I was mostly crying and miserable but he supported me nonetheless.
I didn't feel I was taken seriously by medical staff because I was so young at the time and was frequently told 'time is on my side, I can always have another' but how many more heartbreaks would we need to have before we finally got our baby? I didn't want another, I wanted the baby I was carrying! How could they be so insensitive. We endured a loss of 8 babies, Bean being our furthest at what we thought was over 10 weeks but stopped growing at 8 weeks.
I decided things had to change, I changed jobs to one that was less stressful and less physical. We purchased our first home together and I changed my diet, we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and let nature take its course.
My 9th pregnancy resulted in a beautiful baby boy. It wasn't an easy pregnancy, I had all the bad pregnancy symptoms you could think of and so many scares such as his stomach not growing in-line with the rest of his body but he was born 09/01/2014 weighing a healthy 7lbs 4oz and my broken heart was healed. After years of battling for a baby, here he was in my arms. It felt surreal and like a dream. After all the suffering, he was my light at the end of the tunnel.
Riley is now two and absolutely amazing, so we have moved in to our bigger home with expectations of filling it with lots of happy children and making lots of wonderful memories. We decided to start trying to conceive again in January this year and I fell pregnant the same month. We went for our first scan and there was the tiny beating heart at 6 weeks. The sonographer said there was a small bleed but that she wasn't worried. We told close family and friends and everyone was as excited as we were.
We started planning out the house and which would be the babies room and what we have saved and would need to buy. Now we had seen the heartbeat we dared to dream.
Three weeks passed and I went back for my 9 week scan. I felt extremely nervous, this was make or break for us.
As soon as she started to scan my small bump, I knew. I began frantically searching for the beating heart. It should be there, we have already seen it. I knew when she looked at me what she was going to say 'sorry Kadee, I cannot find a heartbeat.' The words we have heard so many times before but never got used to. I instantly started to sob into my hands. My husband lovingly grabbed my side and I dare not even look at him. I didn't want to see the pain in his eyes, he has lost his baby too.
The nurse led us back to the ward to go over our options, she was so kind and compassionate. I could tell it had affected her. I had the D&C with my last miscarriage and my body didn't react well with the medication, so I went for the medical assisted option. I couldn't believe this was happening again, especially after we have had Riley and he is so perfect.
We had a rescan a few days later and then we started the treatment. It took four rounds of the tablets before I finally passed the placenta and the baby and after two days in hospital I could finally go home. We had always sent the babies off before to be checked for abnormalities but we decided to bring the 9 week baby home with us. We purchased a willow tree and we have put the baby underneath it. It is now our memorial tree for all our babies I carried but who we never got to meet.
We told our family and friends and everyone is as equally devastated as we are and we have been amazed at the support we have had. My friend came round to bring me flowers, such a small gesture but it meant so much. I understand it's hard for people to know what to say but just being there is enough.
We have decided to take a break from trying and concentrate on Riley and each other. In the future we will look at doing more tests but for now were happy with the way things are.
Riley is our happy ending and he completes us, we know how fortunate we are to be blessed with a child.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer
By Aimmee (not verified) on 8 Aug 2018 - 01:20
Just today, I had to do blood work after a 10 hour stay at the hospital to determine if I miscarried or am experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. To start, since 2009, I have been pregnant a total of 11 times including this one. My son was born in 2009 and will be 9 come December 3rd, 2009. Ever since him, it was pregnancy after pregnancy with 9 being miscarriages and 1 ectopic. You think I would of been scared in 2015 when I almost died from an ectopic but here I am three years later going through it again. I thought I was having my period on July 25th thru August 2nd until I suddenly started bleeding again August 4th and right then and there I knew something wasn’t okay. Who starts their “period” then gets it again two days later? Sure enought on Saturday I rushed to get a pregnancy test and both came out positive. Sunday morning, tears and all I sat all day at the hospital while they searched for a sac but was frantic that I was suffering another ectopic. My hCg was 75 on Sunday and today it went to 28 so now we know I did miscarry and the ectopic is no longer a threat. I am more relieved that I bled out instead of the poor baby being stuck in a tube somewhere I guess. I still have hope believe it or not. I have ine tube still and I still believe I will carry full term one day and give my son a sibling for him to love and protect.
By Midwife @Tommys on 9 Aug 2018 - 16:02
Hi Aimmee, we are so sorry to hear what you are going through and cant even begin to imagine how you and your family must be feeling. As you have a history of recurrent miscarriage, you may be eligible for a referral to one of the Tommy's recurring miscarriage clinics but you would need to provide us with more details. If you think that this would be of some help then please email the Tommy's midwives on [email protected] or call 0800 0147 800. Hope this helps, take care of yourself, Tommy's Midwives x
By carly read (not verified) on 19 Mar 2018 - 15:09
hi, i'm trying to find the lady who wrote this? I write for women's magazines That's Life, Take a Break etc, and I'd be very interested in discussing her story. She'd be paid and have a full read back of the piece before it went to press. Mu email is [email protected] xx