I had thrown myself in this big black hole and didn't want to come out

I spent nearly 2 years feeling so low and depressed I no longer wanted to carry on living my life, the 1 thing I wanted so much was gone in a heartbeat.

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August 2016

Claire Burdett

When turning 16 I met this boy called Stephen who was tall,dark and definitely handsome. We hit it off straight away and that's when my life began when I turned 18 I fell pregnant. We were shocked but happy, but the happy feeling was taken away by our first miscarriage. We decided to pick ourselves up and enjoy being young, but I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to be a mother, it felt so right even though I was so young, but Stephen wanted us to wait a few more years before we started trying.

So we waiting and that's when our roller coaster started, I got caught pregnant pretty much straight away, which yet again the excitement kicked in and I couldn't control my feelings, there was no way I was staying calm I was bursting with happiness, I couldn't believe I had been caught so quick.

Loads of couples are trying for months, years so I felt so blessed that it happened so quick for us. 

After getting the pregnancy confirmed at the doctors and waiting for first scan appointment to come, I was faced with going the hospital earlier then I had hoped, when we sat and waiting at the BEP (bleeding in early pregnancy) clinic. We were told after a scan I was having a miscarriage, I couldn't believe it not again why us, why is this happening I want this baby so much, so off we went to deal with the upset and decided to wait 6 months before considering to try again.

3 months later, my period was 1 week late off we went for a pregnancy test and there was those all important 2 lines, we were convinced this was gonna be 3rd time lucky. 

But yet again we were faced with another miscarriage, and 2 more after that we had been referred to a specialist at our local hospital Mr Idama who was fantastic with us, we had every test done, which only confirmed I had a heart shape womb and sticky blood, so I had been prescribed a drug called clomid, and when getting a positive pregnancy test to start taking aspirin and clexaine injection every day so away we went feeling positive.1 month later there were them 2 lines again I was pregnant, off I went to the doctors to get my clexaine injection in hope this was gonna solve our problem and stop me from having another miscarriage...

....but I was so wrong we were about to be put back on that roller coaster....

I was sent to hospital at 6 weeks for a early scan with my previous history so I was to be monitored, we both sat there so nervous and I remember Stephen saying to me, "what is a ectopic pregnancy..." I said "I don't know why you asked me that," he said "look at the poster on the wall," I said "omg I didn't even know eptopic pregnancies existed," then we heard my name get shouted and off we went all happy ready to have our scan.

I held Stephen hand so tight he was laughing because he was so nervous, next thing the lady who was scanning me said 1 min I will be back now then she came back with 2 other doctors who broke the news to us that in fact our baby was in my tube and they needed to get me down to theatre asap as my tube was erupting.

By this time none of this was registering in my head, a yellow form appeared within minutes I had to sign it and off I went to theatre in floods of tears, petrified and in shock. Poor Stephen was left on his own to deal with it and to explain to our families what was happening. I woke up feeling totally numb not knowing what had happened, I was pretty much out of it for 2 days, when being told what had happened and that my poor baby was stuck in my tube I felt like my world was ending, the thoughts I had and felt were unbearable.

Maybe I wasn't fit to be a mother and this is why this is happening to us.

Then the arguments started I told Stephen to move on, it's me who has the problem I told him to walk away from me and start a new life and have his dream with someone else. Stephen kept reassuring me that isn't what he wanted and that he only wanted me and to have children with only me did. I believe him? Did I heck.

So off I went into my own little world, trying to paint this brave face on and acting like I was dealing with this. 1 month later I went back to see my specialist who offered me to go back on the clomid as my chances of getting pregnant now had just halved, so we waiting 3 months for my body to get back to normal and for me to recover after having surgery so I went back on the clomid to find out I was caught pregnant again within 2 months which resulted in another eptopic pregnancy.

So basically I was at the lowest point ever, 5 miscarriages and 2 eptopic pregnancies. What was I put on this earth for cause I can never have children naturally now, something that meant so much to me was taking away from me and I physically didn't have the strength to recover from this, I was emotionally drained. I had thrown myself in this big black hole and didn't want to come out, I spent nearly 2 years feeling so low and depressed I no longer wanted to carry on living my life, the 1 thing I wanted so much was gone in a heartbeat.

After Stephen supporting me and trying to make me feel positive and good about myself again I slowing climbed out of the hole that I had nearly spent 2 years in and went to see my specialist who offered us a referral for IVf treatment at Liverpool women's hospital. He would have to apply for funding, but before then I was told I didn't meet the criteria as my BMI was over 30, so off we both went on a health kick 1 year later I was 5 stone lighter and ready to do this.

We had been accepted for the treatment and we were ready to tackle this a 100%.

After both of us having tests done the hormone injections were prescribed for me and we were finally on our way to making our dreams come true. Stephen was loving giving me the injections everyday and life was starting feel good again until going back the hospital for regular scans and to be told my ovaries weren't stimulating and the cycle was abandoned, but I wasn't gonna let this get me down I wasn't prepared to throw myself back into that black hole again, I had worked so hard to get accepted for this treatment and I was so head strong i picked myself up.

We waited 3 months and I was ready to start again and this time I was put on the highest dose of hormone injections and I finally got to egg retrieval and we had 13 eggs which only 3 survived and were graded AA and BB which means there really good quality, so off we went for embryo transfer. I had 1 embryo transferred and 2 frozen, me and Stephen were so happy we loved every minute of the whole experience, until 2 weeks later I tested negative and started to bleed.

Oh no not again why is nothing working for us, we were devastated....

We then decided we had spent 8 years trying to get something we really wanted so bad and weren't getting anywhere so we took time out and got married in Cyprus the happiest day of my life and I have the worlds best husband. for somebody to stick by me like he has means the world to me.

So after getting married in September 2013 we come home enjoyed married life for a while had loads of holidays and then decided to start again so in February 2016 off we went for our frozen embryo transfer which we were so hoping it would work.

But no another big fat negative test at the end so yet again we picked ourselves up and went back to see the consultant who offered us a lifeline as we only had 1 frozen embryo left, we had been given the opportunity to go to Warwick university hospital to meet Professor Siobhan Quenby who specialised in recurring miscarriage and implantation.

We snatched this life line with both hands.

Went to see Professor Siobhan Quenby on the 15th July 2016. It took us nearly 3 hours to travel down there but it was worth it, I have never met such a caring kindhearted lady, after she read through my file she looked at me and Stephen and asked us, "How are you two still smiling, you have been through so much! She offered us every test possible so we can hopefully get our miracle.

So currently after having loads of blood tests done that day and walking away feeling happy, hoping this lady can help us. We currently are now awaiting to go back down to see her on the 8th of August to have a biopsy taken from the lining of my womb to test for NK killer cells and to see if it's them that are attacking my embryo, and if so there is a steroid I can take to stop this before I have my 1 last precious embryo transferred.

We are hoping and praying this is going to be the end of one hell of a roller coaster ride as we have spent to long on it.

I hope my story can help others and so many women suffer in silence and I find myself that by opening up and writing my feelings and emotions down I feel better in my self and also hope that I have helped others to cope and deal with the stress and heartache of trying so hard to become parents.

 

Read more from Claire at her blog

Read more Tommy's news and views

Read more #misCOURAGE stories

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