by Michelle Mavin
We had two children when I got pregnant with my third. They had both been easy pregnancies so I didn't have reason to expect any problems.
I got to 8 weeks and had a small bit of spotting do went to doctor and was sent to early pregnancy unit where I had bloods done and a scan which the lady thought I was 6 weeks. I knew this didn't seem right but I had to wait to get bloods done the following day to check hormone levels.
The following day I was told I'd had a missed miscarriage. My first thought was: what is wrong with me?, I've had two children both went fine so why would this happen?
I didn't want to face people to have to tell them I wasn't actually having a baby now
I had only recently told them we were because I'd naively thought I wouldn't have any problems this time.
One year later and I was pregnant again but instead of excitement I felt fear and nerves. We didn't tell anyone till after the scan I even waited till I was 13 weeks instead of 12, just in case.
Everything seemed to be going fine no spotting this time went to routine midwife appointment at 16 weeks and before I left I asked if they could hear the heartbeat. She told me it could sometimes be harder to find so I shouldn't worry if she didn't get it right away.
I lay there for what felt like forever waiting on her to pick it up. I drank ice water, moved around and still nothing, so the midwife said she would book me a scan for later that day just to put my mind at rest.
As I lay on the bed waiting to see my baby to only be told the devastating words sorry there's no heartbeat, my baby's heart had stopped just a few days before. I just broke down thinking this can't be happening again; how and why has this happened to me? There had to be a problem because the statistics drop after first trimester and I'd had no warning, no bleeding it was such an awful shock.
Faced again with having to tell people the bad news; how do you explain to a 6 year old and a 4 year old that there not getting a new baby brother or sister any more? I didn't want to face anyone.
We went to the hospital that day to have another scan to confirm there was no heartbeat and given scan pictures to keep I couldn't face looking at them and kept them in an envelope went home and we cried and cried. I was nervous for what was to come, 48 hours later I had to make the trip to hospital to have the baby. I had no clue what to expect and I was being sick with nerves.
After the first one I was expecting much the same but I got a shock when I looked and saw a tiny baby laying there formed with tiny hands and feet. I wasn't prepared for that, it made it seem more real.
I had just lost our baby girl, a sister to my other two kids, a life had ended before it had had chance to begin.
The midwives were lovely so caring and thoughtful. They brought her through in a little basket let us spend time with her, they also took photos for us to have. That moment should be filled with joy and tears of happiness, not sadness. No one should ever have to feel like that leaving the hospital without a baby is heartbreaking.
Looking back now I feel like I wasn't given the proper options of what I wanted to happen my baby afterwards. I was asked just after it all happened and wasn't in the right mind to make those decisions.
You should be given a few days to decide as I would have done things differently. I think I would have liked a private burial for her but instead she went to the baby garden at the crematorium. You don't have time to think straight and ask questions you wish you had.
I was still not offered any testing to me because I'd only had two miscarriages and they won't test until you've had three so l'm still left wondering what went wrong.
There needs to be more research into why miscarriage happens no one should have to go through 3 losses to find this is out.
We did go on to have two rainbow babies after this but I couldn't enjoy being pregnant any more. That was taken away from me it was just worry and fear the whole way through. At every scan I was ill with nerves and wouldn't let my husband come in the room.
We have been blessed with what we have and I would never take a pregnancy for granted again.
My husband Andrew is now going to be running the great north run in sept for Tommy's.
10 May marks our angel's anniversary and is the day that we remember the daughter we lost.
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