Having had a baby it didn't occur to me that I might have a miscarriage. As I looked at the monitor I knew the screen wasn't showing us what should be in my uterus at twelve weeks.
'Did you not feel any pain?', the sonographer asked. I felt as though I were somehow wrong for not having known there was no longer a baby.
In fact, my symptoms over the past few weeks were more nauseous than my first pregnancy and more like what I thought people were talking about when they described morning sickness.
Walking out of that small room and seeing the variously rounded bellies of the other women there made it more difficult.
How inconsiderate that there was only one way out of that building, past all those people who still had the birth of their baby to look forward to. How further ill-considered that my visit to the 'Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit' the next day brought me back to the same waiting room.
We induced the expulsion of my miscarried foetus with drugs. It was straightforward and then it was done.
When I became pregnant again, and became nauseous once more, I was more alert to the possibilities. This time I knew it had happened. I didn't wait until twelve weeks, I went for an earlier scan and, once again, saw no heartbeat, no sign of a new life another dead end.
I don't know whether I want another child. I so wanted a sibling for our daughter, wanted her to grow up with the companionship I had. But now won't the gap be too large to achieve that? And am I not getting too old or easily tired to have the stamina to do it well.
Maybe I'd miss, once again, some of the increased independence I have now I no longer have a suckling babe. Is our relationship strong enough to sustain us all through the inevitable hard work?
Or am I simply hiding behind logical arguments so as not to expose myself to the risk of being hurt again?
I wrote these words in May 2016. I conceived the next month and now, September 2016, am 17 weeks pregnant.
I'm feeling more confident now I've got past 8 weeks, past 12 weeks and had my second visit to the midwife. The Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit was invaluable in the early weeks. I felt supported.
I am looking forward to giving birth next year.
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