I felt such a failure

In five years I had been pregnant five times and only had one little one living and breathing.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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by Teresa

May 2016

My hubby and I have been together 23 years in July and married Since September 1994. I had my first miscarriage in November 1994, I lost our honeymoon baby, just as we began to suspect I was pregnant. Doctors assured us that it happens and would monitor us regularly when I next fell pregnant. In December 1995 I miscarried again two weeks after falling down a flight of stairs, again we were just beginning to think I might be pregnant. The Dr did some tests and said I wasn't always ovulating so I went on monthly blood tests and clomid to help me produce stronger eggs.

With luck I fell pregnant and was monitored from very early on and through out and gave birth to my eldest in 1997. In between times we moved and under a new doctor was told when eldest was nearly two if we wanted another we would probably need clomid but the would refer me to the hospital. It was then we found that if I did ovulate it was on day 21 of my cycle, again I was put on clomid. I soon fell pregnant and thought it would be plain sailing like with our first born.

Unfortunately not. It started with spotting at six weeks, I had an early scan and they found a heartbeat.

I was told to take it easy. At eight/nine weeks I started to bleed more this time, again had a scan and I saw the baby moving in the sack and heartbeat. I was told it was a lovely heartbeat and they couldn't explain the bleeding. I went home feeling happy that baby had a strong heartbeat, only two days later when I had a sudden urge to go to the toilet I felt a rush as my waters broke and lost my baby down the toilet.

I had to have a D&C as I had retained the sack and placenta. It was only on a check up with doctor a few days later after that  he looked at my notes and told me the sack had stopped growing at about seven weeks and foetus was nine to ten weeks. We left it for a few months before I felt I could cope with possibly another failed pregnancy. I felt such a failure that in five years I had been pregnant five times and only had one little one living and breathing.

I know I was lucky to my rainbow but it hurt that I had angels too.

When I felt stronger we started seeing the consultant again and went back on clomid. Doctors thought I would never carry a child full term conceived without taking medication. In 2000 we welcomed our second rainbow. I now had two very different little ones. They were certainly complete opposites. You can imagine our shock when our youngest was just over a year old and we realised I was pregnant again without taking clomid. I had a very scary pregnancy with our third as I also had a cyst on my ovary that was growing at the same rate as my baby. I had to have scans every fortnight and just as they were deciding to drain the cyst which might cause complications the cyst dispersed naturally. We were so relieved. We went on to have our third rainbow.

Since then I have had a further three miscarriages, each time we just begin to suspect that I was pregnant for me miscarry each time. The last miscarriage was just two years ago. I am so very grateful for my rainbows but every time it would have been my angels due date, the date I miscarried I grieve all over again. As we have three boys both hubby and I feel that each time they must have been girls. I wonder most days what they would have looked like which one of us they would have taken after, how they would have got on with their brothers etc. My baby days are nearly over due to my age but I must admit there is part of me that so dearly would love to fall pregnant again and go on to have a baby again to hold in my arms and watch grow up.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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