I felt stupid for thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't

#misCOURAGE story, 08/03/2017, by Kate

We'd been trying for a year when I found out I was pregnant, and although my boyfriend was cautious I couldn't help but be very excited about the thought of being parents.

I didn't have a lot of symptoms other than slight tiredness and needing the loo in the night. I didn't know what to expect but felt like I should be feeling more, but lots of people told me that some people have no symptoms so I tried to think positive.

When we came to have the 12 week scan, the sonographer quite quickly said that she couldn't see a 12 week baby...she thought it was between 5 and 6 weeks at most, and there was no heartbeat.

She got a second opinion and told me that I would need to be scanned in a week in case my dates were wrong. I knew my dates weren't wrong.

A kind nurse gave me a leaflet about miscarriage and said that they would discuss options with me at the next scan, but that I might start to miscarry before then.

I held it together at the hospital, but in the days that followed I started to feel so let down by my body - I felt stupid for thinking I was pregnant when I wasn't.

Even though I knew losing the baby was a possibility, I wasn't prepared for the strength of my reaction. I thought that by considering miscarriage as an outcome, I had protected myself against grieving if it did happen.

I felt so lost and upset at the thought that the baby still had to come out.

I started to miscarry 4 days later, when my boyfriend was away for work. I was scared and realised I had absolutely no idea what to expect or how a miscarriage might pan out.

I was so sad and felt like having to go through the physical pain, as well as the emotional trauma, was too much. I called EPU who were so kind and said I could call them any time for advice, and gave me some idea of what to expect.

I also did a lot of googling and found that people's honest descriptions of the physical process really helped me to feel more in control. 

For me, the miscarriage was long and drawn out and I felt in limbo until I'd had surgical management, as at that point I'd also developed an infection.

I had about 3 weeks off work, and I really needed that time to process.

My partner was supportive of me, but I don't think he experienced loss on anywhere near the same level.

A real positive to come out of the loss was the support and kindness of friends, family and colleagues.

I told quite a lot of people what had happened, and was amazed at how many people shared their own stories and really allowed me the opportunity to talk about it with them.

I felt I got to know them better, and felt a lot closer and more connected to those I talked to.

I think just knowing that others had been through that too, and had come out the other side, was a helpful part of the healing process. I realised, this is all part of being human.

You are stronger than you think and will definitely get through it.