I felt like I was being punished for something

Once again my little baby had been ripped from me, gone to join their little brother or sister in heaven.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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October 2016

Leanne

Well it's happened twice, the "sorry their no heartbeat" words that I can never get out of my mind.

Hi I'm Leanne. I'm 22 years old with two little angels that fill up my heart just want to share my story to not just help you but to help myself.

Back in August 2015 I was a work serving customer until I needed to be sick this was like the 10th time this week being sick every morning. After I finished being sick I clicked on that I could be pregnant as I totally forgot I hadn't had a period.

On my lunch break I rush out and got a test couldn't wait to do it I did the test a work and I got a big positive I wad do happy over the moon! Always wanted to be a mum and couldn't wait for the future.

That weekend I told my other half he was so happy and over the moon too.

So as the days went on we keep planing things and talking about our little baby. I loved it when my partner spoke to my belly to the baby and kissed it.

October 5th 2015 one night when I was doing a late shift a work I felt this pain I though it was just stretching pain so went on with work, until I needed the toilet and saw spotting in my knickers. I was so scared, I told my manger straight away when they called an ambulance.

When I got to the hospital I was so scared I was shaking just waiting for my partner to get there. I was so happy to see him when he finally got there.

We was waiting but they just sent me home told me they couldn't get me a scan till the Monday so I had to wait two days to see if my little baby was ok. The two days dragged so much I couldn't sleep I was just so worried.

Then Monday came sitting in the hospital waiting for an early scan with my partner I couldn't keep still I kept being sick were I was so worried I knew something was wrong deep down I knew.

My partner just kept saying everything going to be ok.

We went into the scary looking room were a nice lady spoke to me and told me about the scan she was going to do told me to pop my knickers down as I had to have a internal scan as my little baby was two small.

So I was holding my boyfriends had or should I say squeezing his hand as I was so scared. I was just laying their praying "please be ok baby please" the nurse was looking on the screen not saying a word it was so quite I could hear my heart beat so loud in my head.

Then I heard them dreaded words "I'm sorry I can't find a heart beat". I just zoned out I couldn't think I just looked at my boyfriend who looked so pale with watery eyes.

The nurse got up to get another doctors to confirm there no heart beat. After I had to sit there and listen to my options on how to remove my little baby. My little baby past away when he or she was only 8 weeks.

I never forget the good little weeks we had together my angel. So months later after my little angel was removed from me I went like nothing happened everyone went on like nothing happened. Couldn't look at babies and everyone was announcing they're expecting, it was so hard.

Months went on and I learnt how to deal with it in the end but never ever forgot.

Then June 2016 I found out I was expecting again I was so happy like I was blessed with this little one but I was so scared it was going to happen again.

I told my boyfriend we was expecting he was so happy again and he got me an early scan to make sure everything was ok this time alone. So I was 8 weeks and 2 days and had a early scan my little baby had a heartbeat do strong and I was so in love to see my little pea.

I was so in love me and my boyfriend was so happy walking down the road after the scan holding hands laughing the happiest I felt in a long time.

That day I went to work and showed my close fiends the scan they was so happy for me said I really deserve it. I was so happy.

I told my dad about my pregnancy he wasn't happy the first time and I was so worried to tell him again I was expecting I showed him the scan and once again he wasn't happy, he made me cry but later apologise to me but I never really forgave him.

Weeks went on I was at work putting stock out when I felt that pain again. My friend a work saw me hold my belly "Leanne are you ok" she asked I was like yeah I think so.

Later went to the toilet and saw brown marks in my kickers different to before. But I was so scared I started shaking again "please please not again" I rushed out the toilet phoned my boyfriend who said we got to the hospital asap to see. As we didn't want to go though it again. I grabbed my things from work and told my manger everything she agreed a let me go to a&e.

July 28th 2016 I'm sitting holding my boyfriend's hand once again in the same scan room as before.

I couldn't think my heart beating so fast I said to my boyfriend I know something is wrong I know. He told me to think positive but how can I went one my little baby been ripped from me once.

The lady laid me down I just looking up at the ceiling the room was quite again then I heard them say words again "I'm sorry their not heartbeat" once again my little baby had been ripped from me gone to join their little brother or sister in heaven. This little baby past at 9 weeks and 3 days.

I couldn't stop crying this time, I felt like I was being punished for something.

What have I done to deserve this twice please someone tell me. Is it me, my body pushing the the baby out someone tell me!!! I'm so angry this time. I blamed myself at lot. This time affected out relationship.

But we got through it I never stopped or will never stop thinking about my two angels in the sky. 

It now October 10th 2016 a year since I lost my first baby! I've been a emotional wreck. But I can do this!! 

We haven't tried again as I think we both so scared it going to happen again!! But like people say never give up hope! 

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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