I have never spoke to anyone deeply about how I feel about my miscarriages. I have a 10 year old boy born 2006 I have been with my current partner for 4 years, my first miscarriage was July 2014.I was about 5 weeks it was very hard to deal with as one of my sisters was heavily pregnant at the time.
I felt I had to keep all my feelings and emotions locked away and try and move forward very quickly.
I had the usual from people saying it wasn't meant to be, it will happen, these things happen and all the time I just thought why me, what is wrong with me. A week after my miscarriage my sister went into labour some circumstances changed and I ended up going in with her to be her birthing partner. I have never said it but it was one of the hardest days of my life knowing I wouldn't be in that situation but to see my niece be born was one of the best days so as you can imagine I was a blubbering mess.
My second miscarriage November 2015 I was about 6 weeks when I found out I was pregnant not long after another one of my sisters had found out she was pregnant, thinking I had someone going through pregnancy with me, then the excitement turned into anger and hurt why did it have to happen again having to hide it all again and then it all coming out when I was alone so no one could see how hurt and heart broken I was. I put on a brave face so I didn't upset anyone.
I got asked to be a birthing partner and I said yes. I would do anything for my family and put a brave face on when they need me. At the time of writing this my sister is due in 6 weeks and 5 weeks ago I had my third miscarriage. I was about 8 weeks gone and it was one of the worst ones I have had ,it felt like I was in labour but not getting my bundle of joy at the end of it.
I still feel empty, angry and hurt, I sometimes find it hard to be around the baby talk and seeing all the things being bought for my niece for when she arrives. I don't show it though as I wouldn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so it stays locked away and I behave like the strong person that people think I am.
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