I felt I couldn't trust my body after my miscarriage

my body had let me believe I was pregnant for so many weeks and with each week we got more and more excited, I just felt I couldn't trust it anymore.

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#misCOURAGE story, 08/03/2017, by anonymous

I couldn't believe it when the test came up positive! We had been trying for over four years and had been told it was unlikely to happen.

I had suffered an ectopic pregnancy years before leaving me with one fallopian tube so I always knew it would be difficult. Luckily we had a daughter who was almost 10 so if she was to be our only child we accepted that and decided to move on and enjoy what we had.

As what usually happens ,as soon as we stopped "trying" I found out I was pregnant.

It took a while to sink in, everything we'd been planning for all these years finally falling into place.

I was sent for an early scan to be on the safe side as I'd had an ectopic pregnancy before. Everything went well although I thought I was around 7 weeks, but the doctor said the size was more like 5-6.

I wasn't too worried about that as they'd seen the heartbeat and just thought dates are often wrong in the early days.

The next six weeks I spent having horrendous morning sickness and I was so tired I could barely get up most days. I thought this was a good sign, I had felt the exact symptoms in my first pregnancy.

When I was 9 weeks I had my booking in appointment with the midwife, she took blood and urine samples, both of which showed I was having a normal healthy pregnancy.

I again continued feeling sick and tired over the next 3-4 weeks until my 12 week scan.

When that day arrived both me and my partner we're excited, I never expected anything to be wrong as I assumed if there was I'd have a sign of something.

We went into the room fully expecting to see our baby on the screen, the sonographer said she couldn't see properly as I have a tilted uterus, she asked me to go to the toilet as an internal scan would have to be done.

When I went to the toilet there were some spots of blood, I went back to the room and I was shaking , I told the sonographer, she done the internal scan.

I just remember her saying this pregnancy ended some time ago, it sounded so patronising as if I should've known. 

I had to go to another hospital to be checked out, they told me I just had to wait for things to happen naturally, I had had a missed miscarriage and it turns out the baby had died a day or two after my early scan.

I had told so many people, family and friends, people at work, well most of them worked it out! The worst thing was to have to keep telling people what had happened and having them feel sorry for me.

But the one thing that I couldn't get past was that my body had let me believe I was pregnant for so many weeks and with each week we got more and more excited, I just felt I couldn't trust it anymore.

The weeks and months went by and I put on a brave face, just wanted to get on with things, but deep down I was so sad, I couldn't move past it.

I started seeing a counsellor to help me through it.

I was about 3 weeks into a ten week course and I'd realised my period was a week late, I tried to ignore it, I didn't think I'd be pregnant again, and in a way I didn't want to know, but because of the nature of my job, there are lots of things you shouldn't do if you're pregnant.

So I did the test and it was positive! I wouldn't let myself feel excited about it, I made sure I took extra care of myself, but otherwise i tried not to think about it. My partner was great not letting me do anything, I also told the counsellor, she helped me cope with my anxiety. 

A few days after I'd taken the test, I had a massive bleed, I thought that was it, happening again. I called 111 to talk to someone, I didn't know what I should do, they told me to go to A&E.

It was very late on a Friday night, my daughter had to get out of bed and come with us, while we were waiting to be seen, she was falling asleep in the waiting room so I told my partner to take her home, I'd be fine on my own, I knew the outcome I was just waiting to be told.

However the blood tests came back fine, so I was sent for a scan. I had almost blocked everything out because I didn't want to hear them tell me I was having another miscarriage.

When the doctor said there's the heartbeat, I had to ask him a few times if he was sure, I couldn't believe it.

I'd had a cervical erosion, which they said was nothing to be too concerned about and just to rest until the second trimester. I spent the next 6 weeks having the same symptoms as last time so I didn't know how to feel about it.

When I finally got to my 12 week scan, I felt the first trimester had dragged on.

When I went in for my scan, I lay on the bed and closed my eyes, I waited until my partner said it was ok to look. And there it was our baby on the screen. I let out a huge sigh of relief, all the bad memories from last time started to disappear.

We went home and began to tell people, though I still felt very anxious, I became very superstitious about things, like the more people I told or the more excited I got the more likely something might go wrong.

When I started to feel the baby move I started to enjoy the pregnancy, at least I could feel if something was wrong.

The rest of the pregnancy was normal and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He is now 4 months old and we pinch ourselves everyday that he is here safe and well.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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