My very first miscarriage was a total shock as we had just got used to the idea of me being pregnant as it wasn't planned but we were over the moon. I had also just been offered a new job, reluctantly told them and they were Ok with it and still happy for me to start the new role within their Company, but at 10 Weeks I started spotting and within the early hours of the next day I vaguely remember shuffling down a long corridor in the hospital with the pain as we couldn't find a wheelchair to then only end up on a Women's ward with other patients miscarrying my baby in the middle of the night and the patients complaining. We never named the baby but we did have a nickname the little lentil. I felt crushed and very lonely about what had just happened as back in 2000 talking about this was still very taboo.
18 months later we did give birth to a beautiful little girl who is now 14 years old. Few years on we then decided that the time was right for us to try for another baby as our daughter was coming up to 8 years old and I was reaching the end of my 30's. We were over the moon when I fell pregnant straight away but at our 12 week scan there was no heartbeat and baby heart had stopped at approx 10 weeks, this time it felt OK as I thanked myself I was blessed with a child, it also didn't stop us and again another baby was soon on its way, 12 week scan OK Phew, 15 weeks still feeling very sick which was a good sign and then at 16 weeks cramping pain, had a scan no heartbeat but I decided that I would go home this time and to try and manage the miscarriage as my dad at the time was very ill with a brain tumor and I also need to be there for him.
Big mistake eventually ended up back in hospital went into shock and nearly lost me too, 1 blood transfusion later and a week in hospital , just felt the whole world was against me and my dad at this stage only having a few months to live. We decided for a break especially as other family matters were more important. 8 months later, really pleased I got pregnant straight away, but again no heartbeat at a 13 week scan, so this time stayed in for an operation as it was too risky. We then sat down together and seriously talked about if this going to happen and why was it happening, we were so confused as nobody could give us an honest answer and friends and family were still treading egg shells with us, which is strange because by this point I was very open about it and happy to talk about the miscarriages, I personally think it helped me. So 5th time lucky and at the age of 41 ?? and after talking to a consultant, we decided to try one last time. So from 7 weeks we had a scan every week up to Week 18 and then a 20 week scan, we were so happy that there was a strong heartbeat, but still in the back of my mind I was never going to be happy until this baby was born, but sure enough our little monkey was strong and he was born a healthy 81b 2 oz on his due date before I was induced, albeit not an easy birth, we felt so special and blessed.
I worked it out that during a 3 year period I was pregnant more weeks than not which is pretty scary when you reflect back on this and to be honest I didn't do until a close friend gave birth to a beautiful little girl with Triple X and she only lived for 5 days, although I felt pain and grief for my friend and her family it brought everything flooding back and at that point I think it was the first time I actually grieved for my own lost rainbow babies and felt so guilty that I had not grieved for each one, but just carried on trying to forget and not be weak as that's just life. I do remember some saying well it wasn't actually born and your lucky it wasn't full term, it shouldn't have to be this way and I do praise and admire all the work Tommy's is doing to try and remove the taboo injustice of a miscarriage at any stage of pregnancy.
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