by Jane Philip
I write this on a day that is dragging; waiting for a doctors appointment tomorrow morning that I know is going to be bad news. I am very fortunate to have had three wonderful living children aged 12, 9 and nearly 3, but the journey to complete our family is proving really tough.
Falling pregnant has never been an issue, which I am so thankful for, but we've had our share of heartache. I had a blighted ovum between my two eldest children and our daughter was stillborn at full term nearly four years ago. And then a very stressful subsequent pregnancy with our youngest, so I dreamed of my final experience of pregnancy being a wonderful positive one, but life has other ideas.
In September 2015 we decided to try for another baby. By the time I found out in October that I was pregnant I had already started spotting, so I knew deep down that it wasn't going to work out. The pain and bleeding, despite only being around 5 weeks shocked me. I called my GP who was sympathetic and reassuring and, told me to get back in contact if the bleeding got very heavy or I was in a lot of pain.
In the coming days, I felt that although bleeding wasn't very heavy that, I was in quite a bit of pain so I called my EPU for advice. I called for a couple of days, never getting an answer despite calling at the specified times and, the option on the answer phone was to call a different number if it was urgent.
It took three days for me to think ok, I'm in enough pain to call the other number. I called and spoke with someone who was really dismissive and, who said they wouldn't do anything that early and, just ride it out at home. It took a few weeks and things returned to normal physically but again I was surprised how mentally shaken I was by it all; it really knocked my confidence.
I found out early January that I was pregnant again, this time we had a week of joy and excitement before I started bleeding
This time heavy from the word go; not so much pain. So, I figured there was no point in going to the doctors or calling EPU as they would do nothing. I spent a couple of weeks feeling broken and hiding away at home, with two early losses, something that I have never had issue with previously, haunting me.
Last week I had a strange feeling; surely I couldn't be pregnant again so soon after the last loss but a positive test said that I was. After spending days peeing on sticks, trying to decide whether the line was getting darker, I called my GP. I wanted to believe I was pregnant again, or could it still be hormones hanging around from the previous miscarriage?
My mind just wouldn't settle and, speaking with my doctor she said to come in for blood tests. Today I started bleeding (again around 5 weeks if this is a new pregnancy) and, tomorrow I go back in for the results knowing this is not going to have a happy ending. So, instead I will be asking for a prescription for the contraceptive pill as I can't do this anymore.
Clinging on to tiny bits of hope, it's heartbreaking every time a trip to the toilet reveals more bleeding
Our time will hopefully come again, but for now I have to give up on trying for another baby, for me, for my partner and for my children. I need to get my life back into focus and, out of the obsessive haze of getting and staying pregnant. Trying hard to forget all the dates - potential due dates, 12 week markers, you can't help it, as soon as you see the positive test you start thinking about a baby.
I feel completely comfortable talking about my baby girl who was stillborn. I try to help break the silence surrounding baby loss, by talking about her as openly as I would my other 3 children and, offer support to parents who have done through similar experiences. Yet here I am alone, struggling and finding it very difficult to talk about miscarriage. Of course, my mind is asking why is this happening, feeling a failure, wondering was there something I could have done differently to change the outcome?
I feel so lucky for what I have and I think that helps me get through this. But for women who struggle to get pregnant and miscarry (or suffer recurrent miscarriages), and never get answers, I just cannot imagine what they have to go through.
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