Hi my names Sarah-Jayne I'm 26 years old and I'm from Scotland. I've suffered the loss of 2 babies my son and daughter and also 3 miscarriages.
My first pregnancy wasn't planned at all as I fell pregnant very young, I was only 17 and sadly, I'd fallen pregnant to someone who was very abusive and controlling.
Sadly due to the violence through the relationship and my sons Spina Bufidia, I lost him at 28weeks, at the time all I did was blame the dad because of all the horrendous things he'd put me through during my pregnancy, I mean the amount of times he was lifted for assaulting me it was unbelievable, eventually I plucked up the courage and got away from him and managed to carry on with my life, after losing Calvin it made me sure to not fall pregnant again any time soon and be very careful.
It took me a while to move on and over the years I just wasn't able to find anyone I really clicked with or saw a future with that I trusted, as I felt at the time I was very much damaged goods, just down to the fact that I had no emotional support through all the heartache of losing my son, especially from family.
I moved on with my life or at least tried too and didn't fall pregnant again until 2011 but sadly lost the baby in early stages.
I went on to try again a year and a half later which was 2013 and by this time I was 23, the only problem was I was dealing with another silly relationship with a very irresponsible boy.
I flew away to Alcudia before finding out about the pregnancy and during the holiday my health just deteriorated, I had been extremely ill before leaving but it was my GP's orders for me to go abroad.
After 3 days of me been in the sunshine I thought I'd feel better but I didn't so after some ear bashing from my friend I finally plucked up the courage to take her advice and go and get a pregnancy kit from the pharmacy, well I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
I just overthink lol and all I kept thinking was, this pharmacist probably thinks this pregnancy is the result of a one night stand with someone whose name I don't know, and I'd like to point this out to you guys reading this that would never happen, and never will lol.
After coming back from my holiday though things went from bad to worse, there's a lot of things that went on in that time that honestly if I went into it we'd be here all day.
I ended up in hospital when I was only 17weeks pregnant and was told I had a low lying placenta was told to rest and was sent home and literally within an hour of me been home I was back in again as I started to lose quite a bit of blood.
Once I was back at hospital the pain had started up really bad and after that night I was in hospital for 2 months, what started of as minor then became huge.
I ended up in the labour ward for the last few weeks and in that time I lost several pints of blood, had a blood transfusion and then was told that my CRP levels in my blood weren't average which was like below 8 mines was sitting at 147 which meant I had a deadly infection which would kill me.
They ran further blood tests and told me it started in my womb so my body wasn't able to carry the baby and my body would either reject her or kill us both.
Due to it been nearly 24 weeks I wanted to hold off because after 24 weeks they have a duty to also save her life, but sadly the consultants wouldn't stop badgering me about signing forms for them to start my labour off but of course me been stubborn wouldn't allow it.
I felt like these last few months had been a nightmare but I'd gotten through it due to my daughter I'd been staying strong for her.
All I wanted was for her to be born absolutely healthy and alive I didn't want to go through all this again and say hello and goodbye in one day.
A few days later though God had other plans for me and my gorgeous daughter and sadly on Sunday the 6th of October 2013 she was born at 7:06pm and she died in the comfort of my arms.
It'll be something I'll never forget because with Calvin I was SO young and I didn't have any support so I wasn't strong enough to go and see him when he was born, I told them to take him away and didn't even think twice about cuddling him and I regretted it and still do.
I've also had two miscarriages since Ameila-Lily which I was surprised by as I was told because of the damage to my womb I wouldn't be able to fall pregnant for at least another few years.
After Ameila I lost twins and only just last year I miscarried another.
So it's been a real tough 9 years now but I'm not alone, millions of women each year suffer from losing a child, infant, baby or pregnancy and sadly we hide away and shut off our feelings from the rest of the world.
I feel it's time to unite together because there's nothing worse than feeling THIS lonely when there's others out there to talk to who have suffered that same pain as all we Angel mothers feel. Here's a wee quote that's ALWAYS stuck with me:
'The world around you moves on as if your life was never shattered, when all you want the world to do was say your baby mattered'
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