I didn't realize how badly I wanted children until I started losing them

I have 4 healthy, beautiful, amazing children. People have told me that I am greedy to want another.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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November 2016

Christine

Over 20 years ago, I started trying to have a baby with my first husband (we were young, but I had been told to try young due to health concerns). I had surgery to clean up scarring from endometriosis and unblock one of my tubes so I could get pregnant.

We then proceeded to have seven miscarriages in a year, all before I was even 18. Every one of them was between 5 and 6 weeks. I would find out, then it would be gone.

I didn't even realize how badly I wanted children until I started losing them!

My oldest son was born when I was 18. He was followed by another miscarriage (this one at 10 weeks, after seeing the heartbeat on the ultrasound-they told me I had actually walked around with my dead baby inside me for 3 weeks), and another surgery.

After this, I was able to have 3 more children, though my youngest son was 8 weeks early and my youngest daughter was 5 weeks early.

Looking back, I attributed the losses to my ex-husband's abuse. I am now with the best partner I could ever ask for. I love him more than words can say, and I feel loved in return, something I never had before.

I have 4 healthy, beautiful, amazing children. People have told me that I am greedy to want another.

We agonized over the decision. I am almost 40, my youngest is 12, etc. But I have never had a child with someone who loves me, and wants the child like I do. I just wanted to have that experience with a loving and caring partner.

We were pregnant 6 weeks after my IUD was removed. He was so happy, he told everyone. I lost the baby September 23, at 5 weeks. I started cramping and spotting, so we went to the ER.

When I asked for a picture from the ultrasound, the tech said there was no baby, just blood. I was blindsided. I truly believed it had been the abuse causing the problems before.

We saw the doctor 3 weeks later, and she said to wait a couple of months before trying again, but it was too late. I was already pregnant again.

Two weeks ago, I had spotting. We had a scan and got to see the sac, but were told I was miscarrying. My regular doctor pulled the records, did another hcg test, and said it was a mistake and the baby was fine (the ER doctor had thought it was still the original pregnancy and I should be 10 weeks, not 5).

Cramping started two days ago, spotting yesterday. Another hcg revealed numbers that haven't even doubled in over a week. I thought if I got to 7 weeks, I would be okay. Instead, now they think I have another dead baby inside me.

I am so devastated I don't even know how to cope. My partner loves me and says he doesn't blame me, but I think he is overwhelmed by my sadness.

He has never been through anything like this before and I don't know how to be strong anymore. I am just lost and sad and don't now how I can go on.

I just don'the understand why it keeps happening.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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