Over 20 years ago, I started trying to have a baby with my first husband (we were young, but I had been told to try young due to health concerns). I had surgery to clean up scarring from endometriosis and unblock one of my tubes so I could get pregnant.
We then proceeded to have seven miscarriages in a year, all before I was even 18. Every one of them was between 5 and 6 weeks. I would find out, then it would be gone.
I didn't even realize how badly I wanted children until I started losing them!
My oldest son was born when I was 18. He was followed by another miscarriage (this one at 10 weeks, after seeing the heartbeat on the ultrasound-they told me I had actually walked around with my dead baby inside me for 3 weeks), and another surgery.
After this, I was able to have 3 more children, though my youngest son was 8 weeks early and my youngest daughter was 5 weeks early.
Looking back, I attributed the losses to my ex-husband's abuse. I am now with the best partner I could ever ask for. I love him more than words can say, and I feel loved in return, something I never had before.
I have 4 healthy, beautiful, amazing children. People have told me that I am greedy to want another.
We agonized over the decision. I am almost 40, my youngest is 12, etc. But I have never had a child with someone who loves me, and wants the child like I do. I just wanted to have that experience with a loving and caring partner.
We were pregnant 6 weeks after my IUD was removed. He was so happy, he told everyone. I lost the baby September 23, at 5 weeks. I started cramping and spotting, so we went to the ER.
When I asked for a picture from the ultrasound, the tech said there was no baby, just blood. I was blindsided. I truly believed it had been the abuse causing the problems before.
We saw the doctor 3 weeks later, and she said to wait a couple of months before trying again, but it was too late. I was already pregnant again.
Two weeks ago, I had spotting. We had a scan and got to see the sac, but were told I was miscarrying. My regular doctor pulled the records, did another hcg test, and said it was a mistake and the baby was fine (the ER doctor had thought it was still the original pregnancy and I should be 10 weeks, not 5).
Cramping started two days ago, spotting yesterday. Another hcg revealed numbers that haven't even doubled in over a week. I thought if I got to 7 weeks, I would be okay. Instead, now they think I have another dead baby inside me.
I am so devastated I don't even know how to cope. My partner loves me and says he doesn't blame me, but I think he is overwhelmed by my sadness.
He has never been through anything like this before and I don't know how to be strong anymore. I am just lost and sad and don't now how I can go on.
I just don'the understand why it keeps happening.
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