I cried and felt lost and guilty

I had been carrying my baby round for 2 weeks. And the thought of carrying my dead baby for another week was just awful.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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October 2016

Samantha

We didn't think we could get pregnant because we had been together and nothing had happened for 7 years.

Then we got pregnant and it was the most special and amazing feeling. I planned everything out in my head names, bedroom colour schemes and even what pram I wanted. 

We went for a 10 week booking appointment and it got me excited for the scan in 2 weeks, but that's when it happened. 

I went to work after the booking appointment and came home feeling a bit off, and when I went to the toilet I broke down, I started crying and my partner came rushing upstairs but just new what was happening.

I was bleeding. I was emotional and didn't know what to do, my partner rang the midwife reception as we didn't know what do, and she told us to visit the GP. He then phoned the GP and thankfully we were able to get an appointment right away. The GP booked us an emergency scan at the EPAU and I was so grateful that everything was immediate for us. 

I had an internal scan, and then she said it, those words that no-one ever wants to hear, I'm sorry it's measuring at 8.1 weeks and I can't detect a heartbeat.

I was devastated I couldn't even bring myself to look at the monitor when she asked if I wanted to see my baby.

She took us into a room and someone came to talk to us about the next steps and how to manage the miscarriage, she booked us a scan for a weeks time to see confirm that there's no heartbeat. 

The next few hours were awful I cried and felt lost and guilty, I had been carrying my baby round for 2 weeks. And the thought of carrying my dead baby for another week was just awful. 

The next day was a Friday and that's when it happened, I was lying on my sofa and I started cramping, it wasn't too bad but I wanted to get more comfortable as my pants were tight.

But it quickly started to feel more intense so I had a bath, but it kept getting worse so I got out and rested in bed and it just kept becoming more intense, and after 4 hours of cramping the pregnancy and my poor little baby started to come out, I started to naturally miscarry and it was so painful I had intense pains every few minutes and so much blood I sat on the toilet for the majority of the night.

It took from 9pm to 1am for the pregnancy to fall out.

I felt useless I didn't want to flush my baby away but there was so much mess that I couldn't have done anything else. I hadn't known what to expect.

Then I stopped bleeding completely but the pain became constant and I got scared so we went to A&E they put me on a drip of pain killers and gave me buscopan and it worked wonders, the pain became less frequent. We went home at 6am, 12 hours after the initial pain had started and I managed to fall asleep. 

The next day was strange, I had no pain all day, or maybe I was so exhausted I didn't realise. I came down stairs to a beautiful bouquet of flowers with 8 white roses, 8 roses for my baby, it was beautiful and it meant the world to me.

The next few days were extremely emotional, I cried everyday I had a few hours of pain each day which I guess was my womb emptying more pregnancy tissue. I wrote everything down in my diary and that was really therapeutic for me.

My partner also bought me a little raspberry charm as that's what size my baby was when he stopped growing. It was a lovely gesture and I will treasure it forever.

We went for that scan the following week and even though I know I miscarried, there was still part of me that was hoping for some kind of fluke and that my baby was actually still there and had a heart beat.

But no, it had all gone. And I was expecting that to be some kind of closure, but it just made me break down and cry.

I know we can get pregnant now, and we have been trying since, I'm going through fertility testing because it took 7 years to get pregnant and I pray that it won't take another 7. 

I lost my baby, and I will love my baby for ever, and I am thankful and privileged to have been able to carry my baby at all.

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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