When I fell pregnant for the first time, the sickness was awful and the pregnancy symptoms were really strong. Now that I look back I suppose I should have noticed they did ease up around 7 weeks but I still very much felt pregnant.
At around 10-11 weeks I noticed the first very small clot. I thought absolutely nothing of it and mentioned it to nobody at the time.
A few days later I mentioned it to my boyfriend who was horrified I hadn't told my midwives at the very least and made me promise should it happen again I would have it checked.
So, a few days later there was another small clot and I made the call to the midwives. They remained very calm and positive and told me it shouldn't be anything to worry about at all, but as it's their policy to investigate any bleeding I needed to have a scan the next day.
By this point I still wasn't phased, this surely would never happen to me and I felt very pregnant.
I was even excited about getting to see the baby earlier than my dating scan. When we got there I was in the same waiting area as all the pregnant women for dating and anomaly scans, it just reinforced the feeling of pregnancy.
Eventually it was my turn and because I didn't have a full bladder I was offered an internal scan instead.
The lady was very quiet and spent a long time examining the screen. I still had no clue, even as she begun to ask if I was sure of my dates. Finally, she broke the news there was no heartbeat.
I can't even begin to describe that moment. Tears ran down my face although I wasn't crying and I felt entirely numb. My partner was silent he just couldn't absorb it.
Neither of us had imagined this outcome.
Looking back I feel very naive. I was 11 weeks but the pregnancy hadn't progressed past 7 weeks and I had had a Missed Miscarriage.
We were ushered into a side room where we were told our options and it was decided we would think about it over the weekend and call back Monday.
Saturday evening nature took control and I began to miscarry naturally. The pain physically and emotionally were more than possibly could have been explained.
Painkillers didn't touch it and all I could do was cry. I couldn't understand how I could miss something I never knew.
Luckily for us we fell pregnant before my next period and we had our daughter 3 months later than our first baby would have been due. She was perfect.
This year we fell pregnant again. A few days after finding out I felt the sharpest pain in my ride side and the period-like cramps started immediately. I knew what was happening before the bleeding had even begun.
I was checked at the hospital for Ectopic pregnancy due to my symptoms but this wasn't the case and my hormone levels had already dropped to 5.5.
I had remained realistic in those few days and knew it could end this way. When it did it felt like a massive I told you so.
3 months later I was pregnant again and I felt so lucky. This surely couldn't happen to me again and I really looked to the future and imagined my daughter and this baby together as siblings. I felt great, with the odd pregnancy niggle.
I arrived at 6 weeks pregnant and expected the sickness to kick in as when I had got to this point in past pregnancies I got terrible morning (all day!) sickness. The sickness never came and I did begin to wonder whether this would end the same way but tried not to dwell on the lack of symptoms and remained positive.
6+4 I had a strange sensation of pain which made me curious but I wasn't too concerned until I noticed very light bleeding. This time I immediately notified the midwives, who again were very positive.
A scan was booked for 2 days time, I had no cramps at all and hoped I was just having pregnancy bleeding that I've read can be so common. That evening the cramps began and I was confident I was beginning another miscarriage.
By the time of my scan I had passed what I was certain was the pregnancy and this was confirmed by ultra sound, I had had a complete miscarriage.
Throughout my 3 experiences a jealously of pregnant women has kicked in even with close friends. It is so much easier to remove myself from them than to have pregnancy conversations and share their excitement, but this torments me to be so selfish.
It has impacted on a few friendships on my behalf because I don't want to force a smile. At the same time I cannot tell them I feel this way so I just remain distant. Hopefully as time goes on this feeling will fade as my last 2 miscarriages have only just happened in the last few months.
I am now being referred for Karyotype investigations.
I'm torn as to if I want them to find an explanation or not.
I'm scared these feelings won't go away until/if I have another successful pregnancy. I want to be able to come to terms with my miscarriages without the distraction of another pregnancy but I can't imagine that happening.
My daughter helps me though, she reminds me I can do this and it can happen again - hopefully.
In times of uncertainty I am extremely lucky to have had her and that I know for sure.
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