I couldn't hate my body more. I felt it had totally betrayed me.

I'd had all the symptoms of pregnancy from the beginning. Nothing to tell me anything was different.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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by Amy

May 2016

My partner and I had moved to Australia permanently from England in August 2015. He'd asked me to marry him on my Birthday in Hong Kong on the way over here. Our life was on its way to being the best life anyone could ask for.

I fell pregnant at the beginning of December. I had been feeling terrible so I decided to take a test. We found out at 5 weeks we were expecting our first baby. Ecstatic I think you'd call it. Over the moon, we couldn't believe our luck! Pregnant and planning a wedding to my wonderful husband to be. Amazing. We saw our family doctor who did all the appropriate tests to make sure everything was ok and I was healthy. All came back fine. We were on the right track.

I went through the next month with undue stress. There were lots of things going on in our lives that had at times brought us both to tears with the stress. It wasn't a good time for both our families. 

We had spoken with our doctor and booked in our 12 week scan with an obstetrician. Friday 26th February. I'd prepped that morning just before leaving, drinking glasses of water to be ready for the scan. I was huge for 12 weeks. Everyone we had told thought I was expecting twins! 

We turned up and the person before us hadn't arrived so they rushed us through.

I was thinking 'I don't think I've had enough time for the water to make a difference, I'm not full yet'. We went through and I lay on the bed. The obstetrician made small talk and then squirted the gel on me. He moved the wand around and both my partner and I were waiting staring at the screen patiently. He then told me my bowl was in the way today and he'd need to do an internal scan. I had been pre-warned about this from my nurse friends (I work at a hospital). If the baby was a week or two smaller than we first thought, then they might have to do an internal ultrasound.

I wasn't happy, but I went to the toilet as requested and came back in on the bed. The obstetrician did the scan, it was uncomfortable. He was silent. He then said "I'm sorry, it's bad news. Your baby has no heartbeat". I couldn't look at the screen so I never saw my baby. We were devastated. How could this happen to us?! I've done everything right. I ate healthily I took time off my new job when I felt bad or needed a rest. I slept an incredible amount. 

We were told to go straight to our doctor, they'd phone ahead. 

When we got there they said we'd have to see a specialist first thing next week. So we booked in and spent the whole weekend walking around like zombies. Waiting for something to happen to show us that something is wrong. I had no symptoms, nothing. 

When we saw the specialist they said I had three options. First to let it happen naturally (which wasn't the best idea as I'd already gone the last however many weeks carrying a dead baby), 2nd to have two tablets inserted into my vagina to speed up my miscarriage, 3rd to go to hospital to have the baby scraped out under general anaesthetic. We collectively chose option 2. The tablets were inserted and then I had to wait outside to have bloods taken. The lady taking the bloods asked if I was pregnant. I said "no I'm having a miscarriage", she said "sorry I've got to write you are for the bloods". I can't believe people can be so blunt at a time like this. 

My partner then drove me home. On the way I started having serious pains. Half an hour down the road I could hardly get out of the car with the pain. I managed to get inside to the sofa. I couldn't even speak the pain was so terrible. Within an hour I had passed the baby. It was traumatic. Luckily I had taken myself to the toilet as I felt like something was happening. For that I am so thankful I didn't have to see anything. It was over straight away. The pain had gone almost instantly. It was actually the only thing I thank my body for over that time period. I am so thankful I didn't need to go to hospital and it happened to quickly.

For everything else, I couldn't hate my body more. I felt it had totally betrayed me.

I'd had all the symptoms of pregnancy from the beginning. Nothing to tell me anything was different. 
That was the biggest shock, why was my tummy still growing when the baby's heart had stopped?.

We were told our baby had died around 7/8 weeks. It's so very sad.
I know in time we will get stronger from this experience. It's changed me as a person. I feel different now. So very empty. I just hope that one day we can be parents.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

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