Story of #miscourage by Victoria
I remember when I first heard the word miscarriage in hushed tones. I was in my early teens sat in the back of my parents car whilst my mum and cousin discussed her pregnancy. I heard my mum whisper about "when she missed" but being young I didn't think more of it.
It wasn't until I was married and pregnant for the first time that I had the courage to ask my Mum if she'd miscarried. She knew the date straight away. Her voice cracked in a way that I had come only too familiar with. It was only then that I realised that I was a rainbow baby.
And that filled me with hope.
It's hard to express knowing that you should have had another sibling, or even that, had the worst not happened you might not even have been here.
So as I sit here on my sofa, hot water bottle on my stomach after suffering from my second miscarriage in 3 months I still have hope.
I still have hope despite feeling that I have failed my husband and family.
I still have hope despite knowing that I am 1 in 25 of women who have two miscarriages in a row.
I still have hope that one day I'll have my own rainbow baby and they will know how much they and those who I lost before them are loved.
After my first miscarriage I toyed with the idea of speaking out, I read and re-read articles in the days afterwards and they gave me comfort and strength. But honestly, when it came to it, I wasn't ready to put myself out there and announce to the world I'd miscarried.
Now after my second, I feel like I can't not. Miscarriage shouldn't be spoken about in whispers or behind closed doors. It happens to too many of us for it to be that way.
So if you are reading this, please know you are not alone, you never will be. Miscarriage is an awful experience which no couple should have to go through. Its not 'bad luck' it's the shittiest thing that can happen and no one should feel like they should go through it alone.
I'll finish with this quote from the poem we had read at our wedding.
It reminds me that I am not alone in this, and that I will always have two perfect souls with me at all times.
"I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)"
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