Story of #miscourage by Anonymous,
I've always known I wanted children. A few years ago when I was single after my then fiance left for someone else, and after many dating disasters, I had promised myself that if I hadn't met Mr Right by 38, I'd investigate the possibility of a sperm donor.
I met Mr Right when I was 36. But as we all know, it takes time to get to the stage in a relationship when you are certain you want to commit to the most important bond of all with someone - a child.
We decided to start trying this June (2017). By this point I was 38, and due to turn 39 in September. Though we'd lived together a while in my house, we had bought a house together earlier in the year and felt ready to start a family. I'd quit a very stressful (think physical as well as mental health symptoms) job at the start of 2016 as I was worried about the effect that stress would have on our ability to conceive, had taken a bit of time off, and found a less stressful role.
Mr Right surprised me in July by proposing - we were both over the moon and set a wedding date for December this year. 4 days later, I did an early pregnancy test as we'd had a bash in June when I'd been tracking ovulation. We were both shocked to see 2 lines, albeit one was very faint! I did 4 tests that day (all different brands) to make sure I wasn't seeing things! We had to tell some people that certain important friends couldn't make the wedding as we decided to push the date back to after the baby was to be born.
We stupidly told our family and several friends as we were giddy with excitement - we were going to have a baby! First time lucky! We couldn't quite believe it, and started planning maternity leave, what trips we would take as a family next year and how we would decorate what would become the nursery. My fiance was gutted he would have to move all of his beloved electric guitars out of there to make room for a cot and toys!
I am an inherent worrier (virgo trait) so booked an early scan at what should have been 7+3. We also pre-booked a harmony test for 11 weeks. The scan had to be done internally, since it turns out I have a retroverted uterus. We saw a heartbeat and were overjoyed! But the Sonographer said the baby was only measuring 4mm and so must be 6 weeks. I was very concerned about this and raised the fact I had been tracking my dates, but was told it was probably me getting my dates wrong.
I tried to put it to the back of my mind because I am, after all, a worrier. But I did read a lot about the size the baby should be measuring and it should've been twice that size. So I couldn't fully shake it. However, I had such strong symptoms (nausea, sickness, tiredness) that I thought it MUST be ok. Plus I did several pregnancy tests which all came back positive.
On August Bank Holiday I went to the toilet and there was a little bit of blood when I wiped. I told my fiance to take me to A&E. He said I was being a worrier and there would be nothing wrong. But he took me anyway. They couldn't do much at A&E (which I didn't appreciate at the time, but do now) but they checked my cervix which was closed. A good sign. They referred me to the Pregnancy Assessment Unit and we went home. The bleeding stopped. Maybe we were ok.
On the Tuesday morning I went to work as normal. I wore a maternity dress because by this point I was a bit fat for my normal clothes. Oh the irony! I was told I had an appointment for a scan at 3pm. Everything was fine until lunchtime when I went to the toilet. This time the blood was more. We went for the scan. Happy, pregnant women everywhere. We had to wait for over an hour and a half. Then we were seen. I knew it was game over when he was searching around for it for ages. By now, it should've been 9+5 and easy to see. The rest is a blur and I can't really remember was was said. But it hadn't grown. We had suffered a missed miscarriage.
I really don't think I have ever been as sad in my life as I have been over the last few weeks. I am grateful for the fact that we found out prior to the 12 week scan date (as that would've been even worse) as that would've been the same week as our holiday. So at least we have got all of the medical management and the real raw time behind us.
But I just can't seem to get over the unfairness of it all. This baby was so wanted. We were ready. We were eating right, taking vitamins, not drinking. Why us? What have we done to deserve this? How is it fair that everyone else around me seems to be popping out healthy babies, some more than one?!
When you're little, your parents bring you up to believe that if you do the right thing by people, if you are fair, you will be treated fairly too. Miscarriage doesn't work like that. There is nothing fair about it.
We are going to try again but I am petrified. I am 39 in 3 days. I am scared time is running out. I am scared it will happen again. I almost can't face it. I am not sure if I have enough strength to go through it again, not with all of the other things I have been through in life. But we have to try. It is the only way to hope to achieve our dream. But it's hard.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer