I blamed myself for even having doubts

I was convinced I made my body kill my baby because I wasn't sure if now was the right time.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.


October 2016

Nicola Ireland

I found out I was pregnant in June 2008. I was half way through my hairdressing apprenticeship and it was a shock! I didn't no if it was the right the time and I was filled with uncertainty.

Every day I wondered if now was the right time to start a family but I new that I loved my baby.

At 6 weeks I started bleeding and had an emergency scan. For the first time I saw my beautiful baby and heard their sweet heart beat! Right then I new that nothing else mattered but my little flutter! All my doubts disappeared as I watched the little flutters of their beating heart, and in the moment my own heart was stolen! There was even a little halo over them!

The bleeding slowed but occasionally I spotted again. The doctors assured me everything was ok and it was just 'one of them things'.

The next 6 weeks went by and before I knew it I was 12 weeks! We arrived early to our appointment in a happy excited bubble eager to see out little flutter again! Desperate to see how much they had grown and to see that heart beat fluttering again that I saw in my dreams every night.

But it didn't go that way. There was no heart beat. My little flutter was gone. 6 little words destroyed my whole future 'I'm sorry, there's no heart beat'.

All my hopes and dreams, plans for the future, taken from me in one small sentence that to many people have has to hear.

The next day I was taken to theatre for a d and c. I felt completely numb. I blamed myself for even having doubts, convinced I made my body kill my baby because I wasn't sure if now was the right time.

Slowly the pain got easier and after 7 months I became pregnant with my rainbow baby.

But the pain never goes away completely on the 31st October it will be 8 years since I lost my beautiful flutter and I will be the only person remembering them.

I'll light a candle and look at their pictures and wonder how different life could be. This is my way of keeping their memory alive and letting the world know they existed.

Always in my dreams, forever in my heart ♡

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Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer


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