#misCOURAGE, 06/06/2017, by Charlie Rust
I have always been very unusual. And also very lucky. Trying to get pregnant proved it.
I basically got pregnant the first time of trying. My partner and I were ecstatic. We had an early scan at 8 weeks. Everything good. So lucky. We didn't tell anyone. You know, just in case......
I was away from home working when I started bleeding. I knew it wasn't right. I was interviewing. I carried on interviewing. I got on the train. I continued to bleed. I got home.
I miscarried over two days. Our dreams were shattered. We cried. No one knew why. I continued to work through it.
Just in case hadn't worked.
My friend's were having babies. I was rubbish at being happy for other people whilst feeling insanely jealous. No one knew.
We got married. It was an amazing distraction. It was perfect.
We got pregnant on the first day of our honeymoon. I knew. We had an early scan at 9 weeks. It was all good. Loads of people have miscarriages. It's really unusual for it to happen again. If you get to 9 weeks, you're pretty much safe.
We told people. It would be better if people knew, if they could support us. Just in case.
The bleeding started at 10 weeks. I worked from home. It wasn't better. No one understood. You can have fun trying again. Oh dear. Uncomfortable silences. Loads of people have one miscarriage. This is our second. In a year. Really uncomfortable silence.
Is that elephant in the room getting bigger?
Doctors visits. No help. They might do investigations if you have 3. Just try again. She's sure it will be fine. I wasn't sure. Pregnancy was becoming a horrific experience filled with fear. I had never got to meet my babies.
Try again. Pregnant. Scan at 10 weeks. All good. Phew. Go for 12 week scan. Spend day before crying because I think something is wrong. No bleeding. I'm just being daft. There is silence in the room.
She's just going to get her colleague to check something. More silence. You've had a missed miscarriage. I am induced the day after my husband's birthday.
I don't work through it this time. I'm not sure who I am or where I am going. I am now the 1 in 100. Unusual. Special. In an awful way.
We are lucky. We were referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic. The diagnosis of unusual is confirmed. We have tests. They all come back normal. I am disappointed.
I am pregnant. The RMC hold our hands. I count the days to each fortnightly scan. I bleed all through my pregnancy. Every day is frightening. People think I should be full of joy. I have no idea how to be. We do not put any furniture in the nursery. Just in case....
At 37 weeks, my beautiful rainbow baby arrives. She is perfect. I am lucky. I am unusual. I am special.
The point of this story. I had 3 miscarriages. I dealt with them all in totally different ways. No way felt right or better. I just got through it. We just got through it. We just got used to the pain. There isn't a right or a wrong way. There is just the way that allows you personally to get through it.
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