I already miss you, even though I never met you. I wonder to myself what colour eyes would you have had and the colour of your hair, would you have had Mummy's personality or Daddy's? When would you smile and laugh for the first time? When would you have began to crawl, walk ,talk? What would have been your first word?
What did I do to deserve the pain of this happening to us? To never get to meet you or hold you in our arms, to cuddle you, to kiss your beautiful skin that we made. You were a big shock but we was ready to love you and give you everything you needed, we would of done anything for you.
When the picture of your tiny body didn't come up on the screen my heart hurt and in that moment I knew this pain would never go away, and I would always think about you and the person you would of become. You were too precious for this world but I just wish things were different and we got to keep you. I don't know if this is selfish or not but from the moment I found out about you I loved you and I had so many plans for us.
Lots of people tried to help and said things like "at least you know you can get pregnant now" and "everything happens for a reason". YES I can get pregnant, but life's cruel sometimes and I was only pregnant for a short time and we didn't get to meet you , EVERYTHING happens for a reason but what was the reason for Mummy and Daddy not getting to have you in our life?
Everyday people become Mummy's and Daddy's , it's always on Facebook, parents proud as punch that there baby is in their arms, getting to experience labour, becoming a proper family. I'm just jealous because you were never in our arms and for some unknown reason we wasn't ready to become Mummy and Daddy just yet.
Most days I wipe the tears away and smile, it's very difficult as Mummy works with lots of children everyday. I care for them, make sure they're happy, ensure their wellbeing is paramount. When all I've ever really wanted was to feel you kick in my growing tummy, to reach my 20 week scan and find out if you were a little boy or a little girl, if you would be my son or daughter.
I wanted to experience labour and give birth to you, hold you and kiss you for the first time, care for you, love you, laugh with you, spoil you and provide for you. I wanted to watch you grow up.
I am supposed to be giving birth to you this month, I'm supposed to be choosing your name and your room should be beautifully finished, your baby clothes should be washed and neatly hung in your new wardrobe, I should have packed my hospital bag and Daddy should be on stand by. Instead there is a hole in my heart which will never be fully filled. There will always be 'what ifs', if I did something differently would you still be here? If I knew about you earlier would you still be here? Nothing makes sense, you only grew for a short time, my body began preparing for you and I could feel it, I felt so pregnant, then one day I knew my body wasn't preparing for you anymore.
My body made sure I knew I was losing you, it tested me and pushed me to my limits but I stayed strong even when I felt so weak. Writing to you doesn't make life easier, but Mummy's better writing things down then speaking out loud.
Until we meet again, I'll love you forever, you are my sunshine x
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer