by Sarah Robertson
My husband and I started trying for a baby in 2004.
I suffered my first miscarriage in 2005 when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We were on holiday when I first found spotting and felt pain. We were devastated to say the least.
All I wanted to do was go home to my bed and my mum!
We kept trying though and I fell pregnant again in 2005, 2006, twice in 2007 and 2009 each time we were over the moon but there was always this horrible feeling in the back of my mind.
They all resulted in a miscarriage at around 12 weeks. I felt helpless guilty and like it was all my fault. We had tests done treatments, everything until we were put on the list for IVF.
We had the IVF treatment in 2009 and I fell pregnant with the first try. I panicked every time I went to the toilet for the first 12 weeks..
We had our first scan and our baby was fine, we then had scans every few weeks until our healthy baby boy in 2010. We were delighted.
Two years later I wanted to try again. So with the embryos we still had, we had IVF again but in 2013 I miscarried twins and my heart was broken all over again.
It still hurts every time I see a baby or someone pregnant knowing that it will never be me again.
It breaks my heart every time my son talks about having a brother or sister he can look after.
Sometimes it hurts so much I can hardly breath, I feel like my heart has stopped. Although this feeling has never gone away I'm not sure I'd want it to.
I, along with many others that hide their pain, have gone through hell and back again.
I'm so unbelievably lucky to have my Wee man and I treasure him everyday.
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