Story of #miscourage by Donna,
I am 41 and always wanted two children.
I have one beautiful 9 year old daughter who is amazing and I love her so much as any caring mother loves their child.
Four years ago my husband decided that we were too old to have another child, this wasn't a discussion it was given as an outright decision of his. I was heartbroken, to have that choice taken away from me by someone else was devastating. I couldn't look at a pregnant women, baby or anyone with more than two children without feeling so hurt.
Anyway this year I ended my marriage for a number of reasons and which had been falling apart for a good number of years. Afterwards and rather unexpectedly and a little unintentionally fell into a relationship with another man, someone much younger and who I got on so well with and who was a single parent with a daughter of his own.
A couple of months after we had been seeing each other I realised I was pregnant, I did a test which was virtually instantaneous in proving positive. I would have been overjoyed by this news however despite ending my marriage we still live in the same house why we try to get it ready to sell. The other reason was that the father of my baby I knew was not going to be happy. Two years previously his girlfriend at the time got pregnant and he told her to not have it. she didn't.
I wasn't going to do that and I knew telling him would end our relationship. I kept it quiet for a few weeks, it was just my news, my little delightful, although slightly scary secret. I quickly went and brought vitamins and when doing so saw a cute teddy which I couldn't help but buy and thought of the joy of giving this to my little baby.
It felt very unreal and I had to almost remind myself each day that I was pregnant, it was like a little dream.
I was really scared and spent weeks wondering how I was going to cope being a single mum of two trying to hold down a professional career job and pay for a home for me and my two children. But despite contemplating that I couldn't go through with it, that it would have serious implications on my relationship with my daughter and how it would affect her and who would look after my unborn child if something happened to me as I knew the father and his family wouldn't, I knew in my heart that this baby was staying regardless. I would have a special little family my daughter, her baby brother or sister and me.
I wasn't booked in with midwives until I was ten weeks gone but at that appointment I started to feel really excited, finally my baby felt real, it was there on paper. I told a couple of friends and they were really happy for me and offered me all their support.
Two days after my midwives appointment I was suffering bad cramps, I had some cramps off an don and knew this was normal, however these felt worse. I was at work and was desperatley trying to get a report finished for that week. I had to go on a site visit and when I was out the cramps got bad and things didn't feel right. I checked and found that I was spotting. I tried not to panic and looked this up. It was ok it happens. But I was worried and phoned the midwives. I couldn't get an answer but left a message asking them to call back.
I got back to the office and the spotting stopped. I was relieved and calmed down.
When I got home that evening the spotting started again, only this time it just got worse and worse until there was bright red blood leaving my body. I was stuck in a house with my 9 year old and a husband who I was separated from neither who knew I was pregnant.
I tried the midwives again but there was still no one answering. I sent a message to a friend telling her what was happening but got no reply. I was trying to cook dinner and remain completely normal on the outside while my body was horribly ejecting my baby from the inside. The bleeding got worse much worse and I knew I was going to lose my little dream. I wanted to scream and cry so much I kept going to the toilet and my daughter knew something was wrong and kept asking why.
After I had put my daughter to bed I thought I would be on my own to cope with what was going on, but my ex husband just stubbornly sat there in the same room when normally he removes himself to another part of the house.
I was working on something for my daughter that she need for school the next day and sitting in a cushion on the floor when I just felt the most sudden gush of blood from me instantly soaking my clothes. I was trying to hide it but had to get up and go to the toilet.
There was blood left on the cushion when I got up, luckily it was a dark cushion. I headed up stairs and whilst there sat on the toilet I passed my baby and the placenta.
I felt every moment of my baby leaving my body and I wanted to cry my heart out. I looked in the toilet and saw the sack and the placenta and was overwhelmed with the need and desire to hold my tiny child. But couldn't in case someone came across me all I could do was cry silently while I flushed it away. I felt like my whole world had collapsed.
My husband had left the room when I came down and now I was on my own. I continued to bleed heavily and at one point fell asleep with my hands close to my lower abdomen and woke up after half an hour to find my clothes and hands covered in blood
My friend had got in touch and was sending me lots of messages so at least I felt I had someone there.
My baby was gone, my sweet little dream had burst and was no longer there.
My friend kindly offered my her house for a couple of days during the day where I cried and cried. Even I wasn't aware just how attached I had become to this little being in me. I tried phoning the doctors who didn't seem to think I needed an appointment, I phoned the midwives again and again. I eventually spoke to someone 24 hours after my first bleed and they said they would get back to me after seeing another lady, they didn't. I phoned later only to be told by another midwife that I should of gone to my GP, and then another later on said I could of gone to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital.
Everyone I spoke to told me something different. Not one of them told me about the bereavement midwives who worked in the area. I just needed to speak to a medical professional about what had happened, what do I do. How do I cope.
I miscarried on the Wednesday and by the following Monday I was back at work after a hospital scan, where I was kept alone in rooms away from everyone as if being shunned, with barely anyone talking to me about what happened. At the scan they lady said that there was no longer a baby there but some 'remnant product' remained. I was horrified by the terminology. I studied human biology so wasn't surprised but more that it was so insensitive at such a time.
I was given some information and a card for the bereavement midwives. I phoned them that day. No answer to all three, I left messages. I eventually had a call from them over a week later, by which point I was already dealing with things my own way. Distraction mainly and trying to avoid all the mother and baby toddler events that seem to happen this month in the supermarkets.
If it hadn't been for my extremely accommodating and great friend I would have been totally alone through the whole event.
I am coming to terms with it. Despite my age and my miscarriage my desire for another child is still very strong and I would so love to have another child. I hope that this may still happen, though some part of me feels like my quiet little baby dream was my last chance.
All I have of my baby is the midwives pack I was given and the teddy I never got to give them. I cling to it at times and cry for the little lost soul that I will always love.
My pregnancy was kept quiet due to my situation, my miscarriage had to be hidden and my poor baby was lost in silence.
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