In May 2016 I had my 1st miscarriage at 11 weeks pregnant. I had to have a medically managed miscarriage as my body wouldn't let go, I was devastated.
The next part of our heartbreaking story begins in August 2016...
I was terrified of the thought of being pregnant again but also wanted nothing more than to have another baby. I took the pregnancy test and straight away it was positive.
The rush of joy was overtaken by extreme anxiety and panic. What would happen if I had a miscarriage again? Would I be strong enough to cope?
The days and weeks passed, at 10 weeks I finally felt strong enough to contact a midwife for my booking appointment and She referred me for my 12 week scan. We were terrified but all went well the baby was fine all measurements on track but I just couldn't relax.
For some reason I just didn't want to tell people about this pregnancy. I felt that the miscarriage had changed me and had taken away the excitement of pregnancy.
As time went on I started to show so had to tell people, I was 15 weeks and everything seemed to be going well. At my 16 week midwife appointment my midwife found the heartbeat - there it was 150bpm, the best sound ever.
I remained anxious but convinced myself everything would be fine, I was just worrying because I had had a miscarriage in May.
I tried so hard to subside the feeling that something just wasn't right, then on Thursday 27th October I text my midwife to say I just didn't feel right could she check the baby.
I went to the maternity unit where she met me. She was unable to find a heartbeat 'I'm sorry' she said but tried to reassure me that sometimes this happens.
From that moment I knew my baby had died. I had to go to triage to have a scan 'It doesn't look good' that's what the DR said and then got up and left.
The midwife said 'I'm sorry' and confirmed that our baby had died but they couldn't act upon this scan as it was a poor quality scan!
That night was a blur, I didn't sleep at all, maybe they were wrong? Maybe the scan was that bad it missed my babies heartbeat?
The next day we went back for a more detailed scan, again 'I'm sorry' I can confirm you baby has no heartbeat. I was completely numb, we walked up to triage and waited in the waiting room with all the pregnant women.
I wanted to escape, runaway, scream and cry. But I didn't I sat quietly shaking clinging on to my husbands hand praying that whey would call me in.
As soon as the midwife called me through I broke down, hysterical. Why was this happening to me? So many questions racing around in my head.
They told me that I would have to take mediation and come back in 48 hours to deliver my baby. Unfortunately I started vomiting and had a high temperature so they decided to keep me in and just start the medication.
I could tell you so much about what and how it all happened, how I was taken in to a special room where you go to deliver your baby if it has died. How everyone who meets you starts the sentence with 'I'm sorry' - those words take you right back to the first time you heard them and relive that moment of complete heartbreak.
Our beautiful little girl Amelia Faith was born on 29th October at 17+1. She was perfect, she looked just like a baby only tiny. How can something so perfect just die?
Now we have to wait 12 weeks for test results to see if there was a reason our little girl died.
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