Growing up all I ever wanted was to be a mum, I always assumed it would be easy. How naive was I.
My first pregnancy in 2004 wasn't a good one, but once I hit 12 weeks I thought I was out of the danger zone. At 18wks however I woke up after my waters broke.
At the hospital I was told there was no way of saving my baby.
Benjamin was born after 22 hours of labour, silently. I wasn't sure what I was expecting when the midwife handed him over to me, but I remember being surprised at how much like a baby he was. His nose and mouth, 10 fingers and toes.
He was beautiful. My heart filled with love then broke into a million pieces.
It took almost 4 years for me to fall pregnant again, Duncan was born by emergency section, we believe his big brother was looking over him and made sure I got to the hospital in time.
5 more years passed with 3 more losses, 2 miscarriages and then an ectopic where I lost my left tube. I told my husband I was giving up. That we would be happy with what we have. Duncan would have all our focus.
I was sad and very disappointed, but I could not go through anymore heartache.
In the following months my husband's nan passed followed quickly by my mother in-law so all my strength went to being there for my husband.
The family decided 6mths after their passing to have a family get together as a surprise for my father in-law, a week before we were due to travel I felt some familiar symptoms, and did 4 tests which all told me I was pregnant.
I tried staying positive, it was so hard but with each scan I got the pregnancy progressed, I was told the heartbeat is strong we have a good feeling about this one. We found out we were have a girl, at 39+6 Faith was born by elective section, and our family was completed.
I often wonder about the 4 children that never made it.
And I choose to believe they are somewhere waiting with their grandma for us all to be a family, it the only way I know how to deal with it. Life has taught me not to lose faith.
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