#misCOURAGE story, 05/07/2017, by Karen
We lost our baby at 6.5 weeks and the physical pain was horrendous and confusing, but completed outweighed by the emotional pain. As they said the words to me ‘there is no longer a heartbeat’ my brain could understand but my heart couldn’t see why something I heard beating so strongly four days before was now gone.
To say we handled it differently is an understatement, my partner shed a few tears on hearing the news and kept telling me it wasn’t my fault as the only words I could utter to him were how sorry I was. And then promptly decided to pretend like it had never happened, but I was numb for weeks unable to explain to our three year old why Mummy was so sad. My immediate family and a couple of close friends knew what had happened but after it was initial said it felt like it was something never to be discussed again. In truth, I wanted to scream at the world that I had lost one of the most important people I would never know.
Around this time it was our daughters birthday so along with hers there were many other parties to attend, the whole time making conversation and pretend life was amazing all the while feeling like I was dying inside. Many of our friends had just had their second babies who were all in attendance at each party, and they were just a harsh reminder of what we had lost.
It feels like I’m hiding something about myself from the world, which I think is unfair on those that lost children in this way. I am so grateful for the beautiful daughter that I already have, but I do still mourn for the amazing big sister she would have been and the two-week old I should now be holding in my arms.
I’m not saying it’s something I would want to put in my Facebook feed but it is something I think that we should be able to talk about more freely and not shy away from. We move forward hoping to get pregnant again but I do worry it will happen again.
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