We went for our 12 week scan, hoping to be able to share our news later that day. An image of a baby appeared on the screen and I felt relief and nearly said "I didn't imagine it then" but the sonographer wasn't saying anything so something instinctively told me to stay quiet. Then she said " I'm afraid I've got some bad news". I said"oh no, what's happened?" Thinking she was going to tell me there was something wrong with my baby and she said "there's no heartbeat".
I screamed, howled and sobbed.
The only way I knew this was even possible was a fiction book where almost exactly the same words were spoken to the character and as I was pregnant at the time, I had immediately stopped reading as if that would protect me from experiencing it myself. The emergency gynaecological department staff were all incredibly kind and reassured me it wasn't my fault but I had to leave the hospital knowing the baby to be wouldn't be but was still inside me and decide whether to have a medically assisted abortion or let my body reject it naturally. I chose to let my body reject it naturally when it was ready. It took 4 days and that was the only day I didn't cry because baby to be came out intact with what looked like a tiny smile. The hospital put us in touch with an amazing local charity called children are butterflies that will arrange for a cremation of the remains for you that you can attend or not.
So many people were supportive and shared their experience of miscarriage. I had no idea how often it happens and how many people are affected by it. The hardest thing was not knowing why it had happened, whether I could have prevented it and whether it would happen again, especially as my body hadn't told me that our baby to be had stopped growing at 9 weeks.
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