by Nicci Reeder
I am 39 years old, I don't have any children and my partner has 3. We had been trying for a baby for over 2 years and I had just been for initial fertility tests when I got pregnant naturally. I was overwhelmed with and I felt so happy. I felt connected to my baby growing inside me and was getting many pregnancy symptoms. I had some spotting but had read that that was normal but this became recurrent. I called the EPU and went for an early scan but even in the journey there I still wasn't to concerned.
I thought I'll get to see my baby. My sister met me there who was 8 months pregnant and I just messaged my partner as wasn't concerned. I found out baby had no heartbeat which was utterly devastating.
The hardest part was the waiting and waiting driving myself mad at home.
I finally miscarried 10 days later at 8 weeks and didn't expect to see anything. It reassured me reading someone else's story that they held the foetus as I did the same it felt so degrading it being in the toilet as it was my baby. I called this too perfect as 5 days later my sister was induced 4 weeks early which was a happy occasion as I was heavily involved but also sad for my own loss as cousins would have been so close in age.
My best friend in Australia is coming home for 6 weeks so our babies would have spent time together And my babies due date was on my 40th birthday. I had all the good will of people saying at least it was early on, at least you know you can get pregnant but all I wanted was my baby. 3 months on and I mostly feel OK but on occasion something will make me cry such as reading others stories on this site. I felt I didn't deserve to grieve as people have suffered much more than I have. I am still trying but every month makes me sad when my period arrives. I am sharing my story as it shouldn't be such a taboo subject and we should be able to grieve for our individual loss and personal journey. Sending lots of love to others who have lost there babies through miscarriage.
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