I lost my first baby at 10 weeks. I started bleeding and we didn't know what to do. We went from GP to midwife to A and E and no one could "help" us other than offer a scan in 2 days.
I felt so helpless and deprived of information on what to actually do.
He or She went down the toilet and I still feel traumatised by that. I didn't tell anyone. I felt ashamed and guilty for hurting my partner by losing our child but still positive. Ok, so that was hard but I'll get pregnant again, right?
I did and was thrilled only to have a missed miscarriage at about 10 weeks. The pain of that was much worse. Wondering if I had done something to cause it, thinking there was something wrong with me, having to break the news to my family.
It was a 2 week wait to see if nature took its course. It didn't and I had surgery. It was strangely comforting to be cared for at last. For people to be there who knew what to do. To be certain of what was going to happen next.
Then, it got far worse. People avoided me, pregnant friends stopped calling. One relationship has never recovered from that. But then others did call, said kind things, told me miscarriage stories and friendships grew from that.
I now have 2 beautiful daughters aged 2 and 5 months and I'm glad things happened the way they did. I still feel distressed remembering what happened but I accept it because it's my story and it's how my children came to be.
I read someone else's story who said she thought of her lost babies simply as her daughter trying to get here. That helped me let go.
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