#misCOURAGE story, 27/03/2017, by anonymous
I feel I need to tell my story and hopefully it might help others.
I felt pregnant at Christmas and when my period was late I was so happy! This was also the same week as the anniversary of my miscarriage in 2009!
I did not do a pregnancy test as I thought I would leave it a week just to be sure, two days later my period arrived. Obviously a false alarm, my period was different more heavy spotting than bleeding and brown.
On day 9 I had enough, I went to doctors and received a positive pregnancy result!
Was so happy but knew I had been bleeding so was worried, I was booked in for a scan the following week, my impatience got the better of me and I called and the hospital and they told me to come up.
Devastation hit when no baby was seen, the midwife said she believed I had already miscarried.
She took some bloods and sent me on my way, later that day she called to say hcg was 607 and she thought she was correct and that I had miscarried however I would get re tested in 48 hours.
I did this and it had rose to 1089 (not doubled but rising within range ) the doctor told me "your baby was growing perfectly! And not too worry".
They didn't even want me to have another blood test and they would scan me the following week.
That night we planned and planned and were excited again!
Next morning I woke up with sore tummy and some red blood I was devastated again!
It all felt familiar from my 2009 miscarriage this was Sunday so on Monday morning I called epu they told me to come up again, scanned - still nothing bloods increased but only by 150 so far too low, had to go back again 48 hours later and hug jumped up to 1780!
Scanned still nothing I had a doctor I knew previously from my other pregnancies come in and explain they knew it was ectopic and that I had options, the shot, which is no good for me as I have epilepsy, wait and see or surgery.
I asked what he thought and he said, as I thought, surgery was the best option.
To cut a long story short I ended up having my baby and right tube removed. As surgery went so well!! No follow up required, but what about my questions what about ttc if that is even an option as it is now a higher risk of happening again.
I don't know why it happened as no risk factors. My gp has since said that it may be endometriosis but they may never find out!
It is not spoken about enough, of the guilt you feel because they have taken a live baby from your body, it ,!
I feel I have had an abortion I also hate it when people say it was a miscarriage it wasn't, I have had both and they are very different although both agony and so emotional, they are different!
I don't think any site has enough information and help and nobody can explain how it makes you feel.
You feel guilty for having surgery (although logically you know there was no option) you feel guilty for mourning because people think you should just get over it, you feel guilty being off work, you feel guilty for the children you have because you want more.
We were lucky the hospital organised a cremation which was beautiful and took place yesterday we now have somewhere to go and lay flowers.
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