#misCOURAGE 31/10/17 by Kaylee
Seeing the little blue line when I found out I was pregnant was more shocking than anything else.
Due to a medical condition stopping my periods, we were going through IVF and things had gone well. I felt no side effects from the treatment, 15 eggs collected, 14 fertilised, 1 top grade embryo transferred 5 days later and another 5 in storage. Emotionally it was a rollercoaster and even finding out you're pregnant, first time, you have take the news with a pinch of salt.
You try not to get too excited as you wait for your first scan, but you can't help it. You start thinking of the future, mentally preparing for the next few months. I downloaded an app and learnt about it's development and size.
I allowed myself to actually grow to start loving the tiny being growing inside me. It was the size of an apple seed at the end but it meant everything and more.
Because of the IVF I had found out early so knew at 4 weeks. Then I started spotting, and the worrying really starts. But everyone tells you it's normal, you'll be fine. Except I wasn't fine. My apple seed wasn't either. After days of waiting until my hormone levels were high enough, I went for a scan to check it was ok but decided to do another test the night before to prepare myself. Only nothing can prepare you for not seeing the line appear, as your eyes strain and strain to see something. I still went to the hospital for the scan, waiting an hour surrounded by screaming babies and pregnant women in the waiting room, but that wasnt the hardest bit. I went in to see the doctor and though I knew the outcome before I lay down on the bed, you have hope against hope that the test was wrong.
Maybe I did it at the wrong time of day. It was a cheap brand anyway so maybe it's rubbish. It wasn't rubbish though and I was no longer pregnant. But that still wasn't the hardest bit either. The doctor wanted to confirm it with a urine test but I'd already emptied my bladder and spent half an hour with a stern nurse following me around and a cup of water. I still couldn't pass anything so I begged the doctor to take my word for it. I'd clearly wasted enough of her time in the busy clinic anyway. She agreed to let me go, printed my notes out and after handing them to me walked out and went to get her next patient. I was still gathering my things, through tears, as she was coming back with the next person. A pregnant lady who deserved her attention.
I was no longer worthy. Maybe that wasn't her intention, but that was how I felt and that is what I remember most about my experience.
Feeling numb. Angry. Alone. Worthless. Useless. Lost.
My husband has been amazing and so have my family, friends and colleagues. But nobody really knows what to say and you don't want to upset people by going on about it. After all "so many women go through it, most don't even know they're pregnant". If I had a pound for every time I've head that...
It's a month on and I still have moments of getting upset, usually when I'm alone and allow my mind to wonder and remember that feeling as the doctor walked out to treat someone she could help instead of a lost cause which was me.
I've busied myself by organising lots of things, planning holidays and my 30th in a couple of months. We have another 5 eggs and we are taking a 6 month break so it's not the end of the road for us yet, but my focus is putting us back to normal and feeling like you can smile again without feeling guilty and wondering what life would be like if things had been ok. We're not just grieving a loss, we are grieving what could have been.
I guess we won't know for now, but I just hope that one day we will.
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