Grieving a broken dream

Writing is cathartic; sometimes when there are million of emotions bubbling, writing them down is a way to express it and sometimes deal with it. So this is my dam bursting, with the emotions rushing to the surface.

#misCOURAGE story

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

Donate
Up

#misCOURAGE story by Rohini ,

Writing is cathartic; sometimes when there are million of emotions bubbling, writing them down is a way to express it and sometimes deal with it. So this is my dam bursting, with the emotions rushing to the surface.

The last week has been the hardest week of my life. I was 11 weeks pregnant with my second child, and it was exactly what we hoped and planned for- we wanted my daughter to have a sibling close in age, both of us had that. I wanted to change jobs after the second child, so I didn't have to start/stop for maternity leave.

As many online websites showed second pregnancies have a 4% chance of miscarriage and chances of miscarriage after 10 weeks are close to 1%, I told friends and family. We couldn't stop ourselves from planning ahead as we reached the 8 weeks threshold.

We went to New York to spend a week with my husband's family and mostly to celebrate what a great year it has been. And then it happened, what started as a bit of spotting ended with a miscarriage. We didn't see it coming, and I feel like a deer in headlights. I can't imagine how hard it is for people who haven't shared their pregnancy and so can't share their loss- the loneliness must be harder than the grief. To go about pretending like nothing happened must be exhausting.

As I try to find a way to make sense of it, I often hear people say "at least you have your daughter". Yes I am so grateful for my daughter and I have so much compassion for others who don't, and have to face this heartache. But I still yearn for that sibling for my daughter, that missing piece in my family picture.

In the last few weeks, we imagined our weekends as a family of 4 with swimming and football games and lunches and naps. My daughter is the only reason I am sane, but it doesn't stop me from grieving for the other child who I wanted and prayed for. I also grieve for my daughter, who would have been an amazing big sister: she was obsessed with my 6 month old nephew and enjoyed touching his toes and playing with him.

What scares me is the future- now when we do try and I do get pregnant, I will be anxious and scared to take a flight, to lift, to do anything that could potentially hurt the baby. There is a foolish bravado when you haven't fallen, and when you do fall on the cold pavement, how can you continue without letting it haunt you?

 

Go to the full list of stories.

Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

Please note that these comments are monitored but not answered by Tommy’s. Please call your GP or maternity unit if you have concerns about your health or your baby’s health.

Your comment

Add new comment