The future my husband and myself had imagined was gone, and we were left empty

The week after my miscarriage was one of the most unstable times my marriage had ever experienced.

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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August 2016

Fiona

From the age of 15, I was told I would not conceive naturally due to endocrine issues. In my late 20s I started to get treatment, and underwent bariatric surgery. I was given the go ahead to try for a baby just 9 months later. I believed I would need fertility treatment, so it was a shock to find out I was 5 weeks pregnant just 3 cycles later.

It felt like a miracle, and my wildest dreams had come true. But just 4 days later I had brown spotting, I panicked and contracted the midwives office. I was reassured that this was perfectly common, and as I had no pain, it was most likely old blood. As I attended an early birds session 2 days later, I had a horrible sense of foreboding, and as I walked away I felt a small gush, like during a period. It was red blood.

I showed it to my husband, and told him I thought we were loosing the baby.

Once again I contacted the midwives office, and they made an appointment at the epu for 3 days time. Over the next two days, the blood flow and pain increased. I even tried to go to work, but was sent straight home.

Our experience at the epu was both devastating and compassionate. We sat in the waiting room, inconveniently situated next to the children's play area. I remember watching children playing, and thinking my only chance at parenthood was literally draining away. I was scanned quickly, and then nurse specialist kindly told us that there was no embryo. That they could see where it had been, but it was gone.

I just put my head in my hands and cried, right at that moment my world had fallen apart.

The future my husband and myself had imagined was gone, and we were left empty. Over the next 12 hours I bleed heavily, and the pain became more intense, when I finally passed the embryo I was walking in town. I wrapped it in a tissue and put it in my pocket. When my husband discovered what I had done, he was horrified.

In the days that followed, at first we talked positively about the pregnancy, and we decided to try again straight away. But the pain we both felt began to erect a wall between us. The week after my miscarriage was one of the most unstable times my marriage had ever experienced. But as fate would have it, I fell pregnant again without a period in between - just 18 days later in fact.

This pregnancy resulted in our wonderful 18 month old son, but I spotted throughout the 1st trimester, had numerous scans, I was convinced I would miscarry again. I was so afraid all the way through my successful pregnancy. This was the legacy of the first. And as I write this, I'm 7 weeks pregnant again, only I'm bleeding yet again, and while my symptoms are still present, I feel this too may not be a sticky one.

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