Funny how attached you can get in such a short space of time

January 2017

After a routine medical check up during the summer and being informed that I will be 45yrs old in 6 months and approaching menopause I had given up the idea of being a mum, so you can imagine my surprise to find out in a October I was 5 weeks pregnant.

It was an unplanned pregnancy but after getting over the initial shock we decided to continue with the pregnancy and count our blessings. 

There's a lot of doom and gloom online for a 44year old first time mum and as each week passed without any bleeding it turned into a greater blessing. Around 10 weeks I fell ill with a nasty cold but never had a fever.

The day final came for my 12 week scan. Nervous and excited all at once as well as mentally preparing myself for possibility of Downs. What had never occurred to me was the baby having a missing heartbeat especially as I never experienced any bleeding. 

As it turned out I had a missed miscarriage around 10 weeks. Shocked or more like denial engulfed me. Occupied with the well if it's dead get it out of me logic. 

The next 4 hours was a timeless blur discussing my options. I opted for surgery to remove the tissue. The next day I went into a Surgery. I didn't want my little "prune" removed. But that was too late.

Now I just feel empty. Funny how attached you can get in such a short space of time. 

I can't help thinking what if I never got the nasty cold around 10 weeks. Would my prune now be a 13 weeks baby? 

I'm turning 45 next month and the odds plumit against me conceiving let alone anything else. 

I miss my prune and would give anything to be able to go back to 9 weeks to protect it from whatever happened at 10 weeks. But I can't. 

All I can do is hope that the odds aren't against me in the future and a new prune will develop into a healthy baby.