I carefully planned when to get pregnant, I did everything I thought was right, waited until been married a couple of years, waited until I was established in work, waited until I had seen some of the world, waited until we had the family house, family car... Even as a teacher planned for a September baby as I read about children doing better if born earlier in academic year.
We were lucky to start with, I caught early and our baby was due for September, my sickness wasn't terrible and my 12 week scan and 16 week midwife appointment were all successes. At the 12 week scan our baby wouldn't stop moving, so full of life! We had got through that anxious 12 weeks and started to share our brilliant news. Miscarriage never passed my mind after this point, I was safe I thought.
Then our 20 week appointment, we arrived early, excited to see our baby and find out the gender. When we saw the screen we instantly knew something was wrong, my husband and I looked at each other, concerned about what we were looking at. Then the thing you don't want to hear and don't expect to hear at 20 weeks, "sorry there is no heartbeat", that is when my world crumbled. Second and third checks, they must be wrong ... They weren't.
The next few days were a blur of crying, no sleeping, people coming and going, not remembering any names.
I was back 2 days later to be induced, that morning packing my hospital bag, 20 weeks earlier then I should have been. My first pregnancy, I was so scared and concerned about what was to come. The birth was easier than I thought, a mixture of sickness and tears. She was delivered at 22:28, my little girl.We always thought it was a girl. She was beautiful, small and perfect. Could already see bits of me and her dad in her little features.
It was so strange when she was born, it was so calm and I am happy I got to spend the night with her. Coming home I am sad every day, I am sad she is on her own somewhere, she should be with me, I should be protecting her. I am hopeful for the future, but I know what ever happens I will never forget my little Freya, my angel, she will always be an older sister to any more children I hopefully will have, she will always be my first born and I will forever love her.
I don't know anyone who has lost a baby this late on and talking about it can only help. What I've learnt, never wait for the perfect time, never moan about the sickness and count down every day/week pregnant, be graetful for every moment, looking back she was worth every minute, every time I was sick or had heartburn, I just wish I knew it then.
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