At the follow-up appointment we were given no real answer, just that it was ‘bad luck’! How many times had we heard ‘bad luck?'.

When people ask, ‘Do you have children?’ I reply, ‘Yes but she is a beautiful angel instead.’

Heartbreaking stories. Devastating stories. The miscarriage story needs to change. That's why we've created Tommy's book of #misCOURAGE. Read this story now and help spread the word that miscarriage can no longer be ignored. Help us change the story to save babies' lives.

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May 2016

After discovering I had PCOS, battling my infertility, painful periods and weight, I finally became pregnant after 5 years of trying thanks to the Clomid. I cried as I announced it to my parents and took the test to my sister’s house to show her. I started Googling prams and all the things we could buy. A week later my world came crashing down as I began to bleed, rushing up to A & E, to be told that my cervix was open. I had had my first miscarriage at almost 7 weeks according to my dates.

I picked myself back up & continued to battle my weight. Two years later a very intense Reiki session allowed me to grieve for that baby. That’s when the IVF referral was finally accepted too. We were so nervous about the whole thing and did lots of research. We joked that I could be pregnant next month! They harvested 18 eggs!!!! I was so thrilled. The next day the important phone call arrived – 12 eggs had fertilised, we were going for 5-day blastocysts. Day 5 arrived & 8 had made it! As they were such high quality one would be put back and the rest frozen. 

The dreaded 2 week wait ended with a BFP! We were pregnant first time! I continued the progesterone pessaries but I started to bleed. I contacted my clinic who called me in for blood tests. I was definitely pregnant and progesterone was the low side of normal (I would hear this again at my darkest time). It got heavier and heavier so we rushed to our local A & E – my cervix was open, the baby was gone! That night I cried myself to sleep. Not again! We had lost another baby. How can this keep happening? We know we had such a fantastic egg on board.

At the follow-up appointment we were given no real answer, just that it was ‘bad luck’! How many times had we heard ‘bad luck?'.

Other comments were; ‘just relax’, ‘have a holiday’, ‘just lose weight’. Miscarriage number 2 was painful but we had hope - the frozen Em-babies just waiting for us.

I began a frozen cycle - 1 went back in but this time we didn’t even make it to test day before I started to spot. I knew it was over this time. I really cried this time. Why was this happening to us? What next? What was missing? I did so much research to up our chances. At the follow up it was suggested that injectable progesterone might be the key. I booked for Natural Killer Cells to be tested privately. 

The results came back clear, so we started our next frozen round. This time our OTD fell a few days before the New Year. So as the bells rang out for New Year we looked forward to the year our baby would be born. At 6 weeks I started to bleed, rushed to hospital thinking the worst. We sat in A & E for ages, vitals taken and pain killers given. After waiting ages we were told that it’s a threatened miscarriage and to come back in 4 days for a scan.

I contacted my IVF clinic who told me to come in. Nervous and tearful we entered a scan room. I expected the worst but we heard the sound we had never heard before a STRONG HEARTBEAT! I was in floods of happy tears. We were told I had a haematoma, to go home and relax. My body should absorb it and the bleeding seemed to slow.  At 7 weeks I had a strange feeling. I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom, there was a large liver looking mass the size of my hand. I suddenly became calm as if I realised that it was over. We made our way to A&E again on a busy Saturday night. The pain really started as we sat there and I passed so many clots. That’s when I broke down. I truly knew it was over. I was finally examined and told my cervix was closed but couldn’t be scanned for another 4 days.

I went for an emergency scan the next day. I nervously waited but again the beautiful sound of my baby’s heartbeat came through the scan machine. I watched as its heart flickered away on the screen and that I was told the haematoma was gone. I was so happy that my baby was a little fighter. At 7.5 weeks the bleeding had stopped. Our IVF clinic passed us over to the local midwife team. 
We made it to the 12 week scan and we started to relax. We started buying baby things, we dared to pay the deposit on a pram. We decided on an early gender scan as we were so excited. At 17+6 weeks we found out we were carrying a girl. We named her as we had known for years what she should be called. At the scan we were told that my amniotic fluid was ‘low side of normal’. That I needed to drink more water.

This didn’t sit right with me. I contacted my midwife who passed my query onto the local hospital.

Finally, 4 days after our scan a midwife suggested I have a check-up. I went straight up thinking I would be given the once over and be off home again. I was given a swab and no waters were detected as being released. My urine was checked no infection so the midwife suggested that she listened to my baby’s heartbeat to just give me reassurance. Two dopplers later she suggested the Doctor scan me. The first one said, ‘I think I can see a head, and a torso…’ I was thinking, ‘What does he mean he thinks?’ He then replied, ‘I need a second opinion.’ The second doctor walked in, he scanned me then he said, ‘I am sorry, you have no amniotic fluid and no heartbeat.’ 

Those last words will sit with me forever!  At 18+6 I gave birth to my gorgeous baby girl. Not an hour goes by when I don’t think of her. I mourn her, my pregnancy, my bump, her future, our future… Miscarriage, especially late miscarriage (I hate that term as I gave birth to my baby) will not break us and when people ask, ‘Do you have children?’ I reply, ‘Yes but she is a beautiful angel instead.’ Hopefully she will have a little Rainbow brother or sister one day.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer

Comments

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 23 May 2016 - 21:45

    Such a brave couple! Well done for sharing your heartbreaking story. Your little angel will always be watching over u

  • By Anonymous (not verified) on 23 May 2016 - 21:20

    Walking through the pain with you, & watching & wanting to take the pain. You're so inspiring to me how strong to have been. X

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