I had found out I was pregnant a few weeks before I had my scan, went in and saw this little dot on the screen and thought this was the start of a great adventure.
I hadn't even left the hospital and I had started bleeding.
The doctors sent me home and told me to see what happens. I ended up back in the night and told 'I'm sorry'.
I was 18 when I had my first miscarriage, at that age I wasn't really sure why and what was happening.
I blamed myself, doctors blamed my medical condition, so in essence blamed me, the feeling of everyone thinking it was my fault was heavy on me, it felt like it was my fault, if I'd have done anything different it might not have happened.....
A few years later I got pregnant again, the fear of miscarriage played heavy on me but I started to enjoy being pregnant. I got passed the dates I miscarried last time so was feeling positive, until I got to the hospital for my 12 week scan......
I felt nervous, something didn't feel right, but nothing prepared me for what was to come next.....'I'm sorry I can't find a heartbeat' she said after asking for a second opinion.
It didn't sink in, how could this be happening again? What had I done wrong this time?
I got led to a room past all these pregnant women with their baby bumps and all happy after their scans thinking this isn't fair!
They asked me how I wanted to deal with it, I decided to have the Erpc, I didn't want to go through it all again. But it felt so incomplete.
One minute I was pregnant, the next day not but with no baby, just a scan picture that is a painful reminder of what happened, all the milestones we'll not see. All the things we'll miss. Why did this keep happening?
It turned out I had a blood clotting problem, that could be solved by one tiny aspirin. One tiny aspirin could have saved me from the pain of having a second miscarriage but you need to have more than one to have it investigated!
I didn't want to thinking about getting pregnant again, even though it could be different.
How could I survive another miscarriage.
I hit rock bottom, had no one to talk to about it. My grief ate at me for ages.
Until I decided maybe it's time to try again, one more time! I panicked the whole way through my pregnancy, expecting it to go wrong, waiting for it to go wrong.
It was tough, but it worked this time, the one tiny tablet helped me carry a baby, a healthy rainbow baby.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer