Story of #miscourage by Jamie,
I am so glad to see that this charity has formed, I searched endlessly when I suffered multiple miscarriages and didn't ever find adequate help; my own experience has led me to swoop to support anyone who is ever in the situation where they lose a pregnancy. I didn't ever feel taken seriously, misunderstood and scared - not one medical professional prepared me for the detail of physical loss, what to expect, what is 'normal' and 'healthy' with loss, which would have saved me so much worry.
Brutal. Unpredictable. Relentless.
This is my experience of miscarriage, which unfortunately is something I have lived through six times. Each time it happens the experience becomes more solitary, despite the myriad of well meaning friends I luckily have to support me and each time it happens I am made to feel more vulnerable, more animal and I marvel at the ineptitude of the 'professionals' who are supposed to care for me.
Nothing, not even experience can prepare you for its attack or the lack of understanding you will be offered by those who should know exactly what to offer.
Lonely, afraid and being made to feel trivial are also aspects of this loss. Nothing has ever been explained to me, no one has ever prepared me for the physical process to follow and so things that I now know are 'normal' I was terrified by when I first experienced them.
I can assure you now that everything that will happen within the first few days of a miscarriage are probably normal to this loss, it will be grim and upsetting but do not think for a moment that something is sinister. Equally, once you have completely miscarried you may still have symptoms of pregnancy as your body returns to normal. You will be sore and your hormones will be operating within the extreme.
The most important thing to remember is to ask for help when you need it, sob if you feel you need to, talk if it helps and treat yourself with care. This is a major trauma both physically and emotionally and you need to recover, don't rush.
With every loss I have had, I have felt so impossibly sad and desperately missed the little one I had been expecting. I often think about who it is that would have been here, nothing can replace them, it is important to consider that. Equally, I look at the two children I now have and wonder who they would have been if circumstance had been different. I am not a philosophical being but I do believe in hope. It is hope that will help you through this.
I have had six miscarriages, all at different stages in pregnancy, all seemingly 'one of those things.' I now know what is a 'healthy miscarriage' and what is not.
With my first miscarriage at 11 weeks I experienced lots of physical pain and went to an EPU - where I was treated dreadfully, told that 'before all this early testing you wouldn't have even considered this a loss,' asked to collect 'pregnancy matter' in a cup and was seated in a waiting room full of people, many being pregnant women there for regular scans. The nurse herself was lovely and very caring but I was quickly sent on my way. This is the experience I have had each time, in different hospitals.
It is the feeling not only of immense sadness but of being unprepared that makes miscarriage additionally cruel.
Each time it has happened, it has felt like an attack and each time has been relentless. I was offered antidepressants a week after I started bleeding, officially it had perhaps been 3 days since I had completely miscarried.
This didn't seem appropriate. I was mourning the loss of my child, of hope and grieving - this suggestion merely made me feel misunderstood and confused. It made me feel that the Dr didn't take my grief seriously or see it as normal behaviour. I said no.
The people in my life were mixed. Some became awkward, avoided the conversation and me.
Then I had a phone call from a friend of a friend, who I had met once and who had also suffered miscarriages - she listened, explained and prepared me. I have tried to do the same with other women since, because without that phone call, I don't know where I would be now.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer
By Deborah (not verified) on 4 Jun 2018 - 09:32
Thank you very much for sharing this Jamie. I’m very grateful, I admire people that can write about their loss with hope to support others.