by Ali Battersby
Me and my husband Joel decided quite early in our relationship that we wanted to have a baby.
I though it would be easy getting pregnant, you spend time making sure you don't get pregnant that surely it will happen first month with out contraception! It took six months the first time but to me it felt like forever, although now I know that's not long at all.
We were so happy we were going to have a baby, nothing could go wrong. Unfortunately at six weeks the bleeding started, I was on holiday in Spain at the time and didn't really know what was happening, although with the pain I was feeling I knew it wasn't good. A negative pregnancy test confirmed my fears, I had suffered my first miscarriage.
I was heartbroken, but took comfort in the fact that it probably wouldn't happen again!
Nine months later I was pregnant again. I let myself get excited. When I was six weeks pregnant we went to Dublin for my birthday. We had only been their a couple of hours and I felt a familiar pain, and that was miscarriage number two. But once again I thought surly it wouldn't happen a third time.
I struggled to conceive, so we went to our Dr who referred us for tests. After taking a break to get married the tests confirmed nothing was wrong with either of us.
Although nothing was wrong, we were offered Clomid for six months which we accepted. After three months nothing had happened and I decided to take a month's break as I was feeling really down (mood swings are a side effect of Clomid).
Everywhere I went their were women with bumps and people I knew were getting pregnant first month. I found it hard to cope.
I finally got pregnant again on our 4th round of Clomid, but the damage had been done I was negative from the start. I was offered a scan at seven weeks but I was sure I wouldn't get there and if I did their would be no baby. I was so nervous at my scan and when the sonographer turned to me and showed me the screen she said there's one heart beat and there's another! I couldn't believe it! twins!. I thought surely I'm going to get a baby now.
In the weeks leading to my twelve week scan I had this horrible feeling something wasn't right, I didn't feel pregnant!
The day before my twelve week scan I went to the toilet and that's when I saw it! Blood! My heart raced, it was like a life time waiting for my scan the next day.
I went in to the scan room and I knew straight away something was wrong, instead of turning the screen she turned her head and said I'm so sorry. Both babies had no heartbeat. My world crumbled around me. I was offered surgery to remove the babies but started to miscarry naturally later that night. It was really hard when tests on the babies showed nothing was wrong with them and also they were both girls.
The next few months were really hard but we had been referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic. I felt hopeful but also sad as we had been asked not to try and get pregnant while we were having the tests.
The tests dragged on, this was due to some results coming up slightly high. I had to be referred to different hospital departments (this included an MRI scan and more blood being taken than I thought I had in my body). This was due to my prolactin levels being on the high side.
I needed something to concentrate on, so me and my husband signed up for the great Yorkshire run. We raised over £700 for Tommy's. I was so proud but their was this big whole in my heart.
On October 2011 a month after the run I missed my period, it was the day we had received our conclusion to all the tests! Nothing was wrong!
The hospital confirmed I was pregnant with a blood test and offered me scans every two weeks until 14 weeks. I couldn't believe it at 12 weeks when they showed me a wriggling baby.
Pregnancy was hard, I was negative and very emotional all the way through. The excitement had been taken away from me. I was so happy when on 19 July 2012, four and a half years after we had started trying for a baby, Judd Carl William was born. He was everything we had hoped for.
At the beginning of March 2015 we decided to try for another baby. I knew if I had another miscarriage that would be it! I would count my blessings that I had Judd! I couldn't do it all again. To my surprise I got pregnant first month and on 2nd December 2015 Joni Eliza was born. My family was complete.
I lost hope so many times along the way and hated myself for the thoughts I would have 'why didn't they miscarry' and 'why do they get pregnant first month and go on to have a healthy baby'. But it was jealousy I wanted what they had. I must admit I still get that pang in my stomach when someone I know gets pregnant straight away (even though I did the second time), but it soon goes away when I think of my beautiful babies. I wouldn't have Judd and Joni if I hadn't had the miscarriages and I wouldn't change anything.
I still sometimes find it hard to think about what we went through to get the family we wanted so bad. I have a box full of things to remember my lost babies like scan pictures, baby clothes and a knitting pattern I had for my nan.
I am very open about my miscarriages and I am not ashamed to talk about them. I like to think it helps people come and talk to me if they are going through something similar. Miscarriage can be a very lonely place and sometimes you just need someone who has been through it to be their for you.
When I was having my recurrent miscarriage tests all sorts of thoughts ran through my head like maybe I couldn't have girls, or maybe going on flights (my first two miscarriage were straight after being on a plane) has caused my miscarriage. Hopefully the new miscarriage centre will find out why these heartbreaking events happens
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