We were thrilled to find out we were expecting our first child. Went round parents to tell them the exciting news. They were thrilled and excited to be grandparents. A few close friends knew and my work friends also.
We had been trying for around 6 months. First 12 weeks were amazing. Although I was sick and completely went off tea and coffee.
Our son or daughter was growing inside of me. I was careful what I ate and did as soon as we found out. Which was when the foetus was about 2 or 3 weeks old. Finally we got the letter to say when our 12 week scan appointment was.
Everything was going great.
People said I was 'glowing' and would be great parents. We arrived so excited to see our bundle of joy inside my tummy.
Got into the scan room and the gentleman started to put the freezing gel on and take a look. He then said calmly that he couldn't get a clear enough picture so could he do an internal scan.
I said yes absolutely. Both beaming waiting to see our baby boy or girl for the first time. It wasn't comfortable.
A long stick thing inside but he told me to relax and he did it. He then took it out and said 'I'm really sorry but there is no heart beat and it looks like you will miscarry' our hearts dropped and I burst out crying and shaking.
He said the sack the baby is in looks like it is starting to collapse. If we wanted we could come back in a week to see of there is any change. He said there is a 95% chance I will miscarry in the next few days.
We waited the week and had another appointment. My then boyfriend who is now my husband said it's okay there is still 5% baby will be okay. Keeping positive seeing that there is still a chance. Even if it was just 5%.
No sign of miscarriage so we went back a week later. I can honestly say that was the longest week of our lives. Being on the edge of somthing you can't escape.
Parents were so upset like us being extremely supportive hoping the best.
We went back and I had to have another internal scan, there was no change apart from the sack was collapsing more. It was confirmed I was going through a missed miscarriage.
My body hadn't realised what was going on. This was the worst and hardest time of our lives.
We then had to go to the women's health department had to wait for an appointment to be given options. The thoughts that were running through my head is that my baby is dead inside me has been for 6 weeks, I never knew all that time what kind of woman am I to not realise and there is nothing I can do.
I felt like it was my fault. As a woman we are meant to bring children into the world and I couldn't even do that.
I worried it was because I had half a glass of alcohol at a wedding when I would of been 1 week pregnant. I felt so alone and trapped in a nightmare.
We went to the appointment at women's health department. The nurse we saw was lovely. Took us through the options to induce the miscarriage as I'd of been about 14 weeks and still nothing.
I decided to have the tablet they insert. It was the safest way as no risk that we couldn't have children again. I had a tablet in the front and the back and an anti D injection as I was a negative blood group and my husband is postie.
Another reason I though it was my fault. Because of my blood group and my blood attacked baby's blood. She explained what would happen and that some people get not much blood, some people more, some have no pain and some have period like pain.
We went home. Adam looked after me.
We were living with Adams mum and dad at the time we had our own section of the house. We sat and watched films with chocolate.
I started getting a few mild cramps. Then suddenly 8h later at about 6pm it started. A gush of blood game out. Massive clumps of clots and it wouldn't stop for about 5 hours.
I remember running to the loo crying saying it just won't stop. Flushing the loo every 5 mins. Eased up for about 2 hours in the 5 hours having to change pad every hour.
Adams mum gave me old bath towels to use outside pjs as it was leaking through so quickly.
At about 11pm I suddenly lost hearing, couldn't see properly or walk properly. Had no idea what was going on. I'd lost too much blood.
My husband rung 111 on the way to a and e and they said stop and they would send an ambulance. But my husband and his dad who drove us thought it would be quicker to just carry on as half way there.
So we went. Imagine sitting in the waiting room. Pad I'd only put on 15 mins ago full of blood, bleeding through onto trousers I was wearing leaving blood on the seat they sat be down on.
I had no dignity.
I was taken straight away to triage and I was admitted for a while until bleeding slowed down. Had pain killers. The pain was unbearable crying and clinging onto things. We then went home in the early hours. Both distraught from what had just happened. I was in shock.
I was obviously servery anaemic so was poorly for quite a while after but Barr 2 weeks in the middle I was bleeding for 3 months after non stop ranging from a heavy period to a light period.
I don't think this is ever something I will get over. I still cry now and the biggest thought in my head is that our baby is somewhere in a drain sewers. All the dreams and nursery ideas we had were broken.
I believe it's so important to share your story with others when you feel ready to.
There are more bits and feelings to my story but so hard to say over writing. There is hope out there and help for people who have been through miscarriage. Please don't feel alone. I know I did but there is help.
All I can say is that it is possible to get pregnant again. I am now currently 38 weeks pregnant expecting our baby boy. Very anxious still from what happened but have support now from health visitor and friends and family. My husband was my rock and still is.
Everyone has a story. You're not alone. This is mine.
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