by Samantha Mayhew
I was 18 and on the pill, so it came as a complete surprise when I found out I was pregnant. My partner and I had been together for 2 years by this point and although surprised we were so excited to be having a baby.
We started telling people and thinking about the future and what it would be like for us and our child.
All seemed to be going well and at our 12 week scan I remember sitting in the waiting room happily talking about names and what our child would be like. It was one of the best feelings ever knowing that I was going to see my baby for the very first time.
We went in and the scan started, then came the sentence that changed that moment from joy to heartache. The sentence that changed our lives forever. "I'm sorry but your baby is dead", what? What do you mean? That can't be right. I'm supposed to be a mum. This cannot be happening. But it was happening. My child had died, just stopped growing at about 8 weeks. I had been carrying my dead child inside me for 4 weeks and didn't have a clue. It was what's called a missed miscarriage.
The next minutes, hours, days were a blur really. We were devastated. I remember crying in the room at the hospital. I remember telling my mum. I remember my partner telling his family.
Every time we saw someone who didn't know and had to tell them it was like a knife in my heart.
I was given the option of a D&C or going through the miscarriage naturally. I chose the operation as I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for it to happen. My mum came with me to the hospital but before we got there I bolted, flat out tried to run. She literally tackled me to the ground where I sobbed my heart out. I didn't want to do this. I shouldn't have to be doing this. But I did, I had no choice.
I still think about my angel baby all the time. I light a candle on his/her birthday every year.
I had another miscarriage a few years ago but hadn't realised I was pregnant until it happened.
I have since gone on to have a beautiful and healthy little boy who has just turned one. My rainbow baby. The joy of my life.
I'm telling my story so that someone out there will know that they are not alone. I'm telling my story so that you will know that even though this may have happened to you and you think that you'll never have a child, you can. I was terrified during my pregnancy with my son, I thought it must go wrong as it had already happened twice. I'm telling my story because I think that these stories need to be told.
My heart goes out to everyone who has a story to tell.
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