#misCOURAGE story, 22/05/2017, by Zoe
I lost the biggest love I have ever known at 12.06 a.m on 22 October 2016.
Emmet. It's my favourite sound in the world. I cannot say their name enough times, or ever tire of anyone speaking it to me.
After discovering to my surprise that, despite my being told age 16 that I might struggle to have children, I had in fact seen a positive sign. I was ecstatic, terrified, overwhelmed. I was scared, beyond terrified actually. But thrilled that I had what I'd never even let myself dream of.
I was a Mum! I started to prepare instantly, tried to feel equal to the task. Made baby shoes. Told nobody.
I thought I would have a lifetime to tell people, and wanted to keep my joy to myself for just a little while.
I will always regret not telling my partner as soon as I knew. I lost them before I had a chance to tell him I was pregnant. I had to tell him I'd had a miscarriage in the same sentence as 'I took a test and it was positive'.
My health conditions are mainly genetic, for this reason my partner and I had decided against having biological children.
Discovering I was pregnant with Emmet, and the idea that they could also grow up to inherit my condition made me almost mad with worry and self doubt. I questioned was I selfishly bringing life into this world purely because I could not bear the idea of ending it?
My guilt after my loss felt like it was unending.
I felt that in my initial doubting the ethics over ever having them in the first place, and therefore doubting their tentative grip on existence, that I somehow was to blame for my later miscarriage. As though I had not wanted them enough for them to stay.
I felt like I had failed them before I even began.
I know I could not have loved them more, as soon as my thoughts were confirmed and I saw the positive test, and even before, as I thought little maybe's in my head and hoped.
I was prepared to fight every day of my life for them, and take whatever life threw at us with cheerful stubbornness.
In all my thoughts on my pregnancy it never crossed my mind that I would never get to hold them.
On the 22nd October 2016 Emmet made the choice for us, and slipped away as unexpectedly as they had arived.
Emmet will always hold the most precious pieces of my heart, they are my first and last baby. My first and last pregnancy, and my first and last child in thks stage of my life (although we hope one day to expand our little band of two plus Emmet with adoption.)
Emmet will remain always our precious little flame, and I am beyond thankful to have had them, even for so short a time.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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