Drained after 5 losses

I was near breaking with worry and all the emotions after contacting everyone I needed to and sitting an empty room waiting. Pondering. Worrying.

Story of Miscourage

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#misCOURAGE 31/10/17 by Rich 

This week my wife and I suffered our fifth loss of our much wanted baby.

Two weeks ago she had severe side pain but put it down to muscle strain. Two weeks passed and she woke me in agony, suffering severe lower abdominal pain. After taking her to A&E they took bloods and sent us up to EGAU where the 'young' doctors couldn't for sure confirm ectopic or miscarriage until more bloods in 48 hours could be taken and a scan showed not enough information. 48 hours later we attend for more bloods to be taken however being a weekend it would be a long wait until the Monday. Unfortunately my wife had the severe abdominal pain again and we attended A&E again where they were fantastic, she was treated with fantastic care and empathy with the outlook looking as we had thought.

With a heavy heart the consultants confirmed it was a miscarriage most probably through being ectopic.

My wife was admitted and pain controlled. The next morning a scan confirmed that our baby (not product) was ectopic and she required emergency surgery to remove her tube and the baby. This was scary to see my wife having to have another surgery after 2 previous SMM procedures in the last year. 

When she was taken to surgery for what was to be a 'simple' laparoscopic procedure totalling 2 hours with recovery I finally saw her after 4 hours. They were the worst 4 hours I've ever endured not knowing what was going on. A lot of the time nurses, doctors and auxiliary staff forget about the man in the relationship. I was near breaking with worry and all the emotions after contacting everyone I needed to and sitting an empty room waiting. Pondering. Worrying. 

When my wife returned I was elated to have her back, even if she was comatosed with anaesthetic and drugs. 
After another night having to leave her in hospital and having to walk out past all the other dads carrying their new baby from the opposite postnatal ward. I could've collapsed with hurt. 

Returning in the morning to collect my wife and actually find out from our consultant what happened in theatre, where he fantastically explained to an already tired, stressed and emotionally drained couple the procedure, the outcome and what to look to in the future. 
However, on returning home my wife has had fantastic support as have i. Although, she is able to discuss it with her friends and family. I feel lost though. I want to cry but don't. I work in a job where emotion isn't shown. I am able to discuss this but I just can't get my emotions out.

I'm drained and empty. 5 times. 5 goodbyes. 5 heartbreaks.

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