Don't give up hope - there is light at the end of the tunnel

Getting over that was a terrible personal struggle and sometimes I felt so alone as I blamed myself for not being able to carry a baby properly, one premature baby and now 2 miscarriages. We decided to stop 'trying' but to see what happened.

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August 2016

By Toni

We were lucky with our first born. She was prem due to pre-eclampsia but was strong and is now a lovely 6 year old.

My second pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage at around 6 weeks, 2 days after our positive pregnancy test. The miscarriage was painful but happened quickly and we tried our best to get over it and try again. 

I fell pregnant again only 2 months later. I felt good, suffered the usual early pregnancy symptoms and gained a little weight.

Then in November 2011 3 days before my 12 week scan I started to bleed. The pain was unbearable and after 2 days of putting my feet up and resting we went to A&E. I was given an internal and the doctor said my cervix was still closed, I was probably just having some blood loss and everything should be fine in a few days - but to be on the safe side booked me an appointment for a scan the following morning. We went home feeling positive. The next day the scan showed the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks.

We were heartbroken.

I had to go away and make the painful decision of what to do next, take the tablet, wait for nature to take its course or have the D&C. I opted for the operation - I needed to feel in control of this and know when and how it would happen. I was booked in for 2 days later, signed the consent form and gave them permission to look into what had happened to cause another miscarriage.

I went home feeling numb, by this time I was suffering contractions every 5/10 mins as my body started to do its job, I didn't sleep and at some point in the night went to the loo and lost what I thought was the baby. I called hospital they confirmed it sounded like it had happened naturally. They cancelled the D&C but asked for me to come along for another scan to see that everything had come away.

I returned to the hospital had the scan, everything was still there - the loss I had must have been a blood clot!!! The D&C is rearranged for another 2 days time - by this time 5 days had gone by. I go home feeling even more numb, me and my husband don't know what to say to each other - I hated the feeling of having my baby inside of me and knowing that it had died. I was also still having very painful contractions that no one could stop and no medicine could take it away.

The D&C was not a nice procedure and that day was one of the worst of my life - I was very emotional. Getting over that was a terrible personal struggle and sometimes I felt so alone as I blamed myself for not being able to carry a baby properly, one premature baby and now 2 miscarriages. We decided to stop 'trying' but to see what happened.

There was light at the end of the tunnel.

5 months later I fell pregnant again. This time I had a early scan at 6 weeks, then 12 weeks, 20 weeks and 6 weekly after that - the NHS were fab and my consultant an angel. On 11th Novemeber 2012 my rainbow baby was born at 37 weeks weighing 5lb14 we named her Jemima-Rose. She is a beauty along with her older sister.

I can't tell you how blessed I feel now. My husband and I decided last year that we didn't want anymore children as we couldn't put ourselves through that heartache again and I was sterilised. Even though my baby making years are behind me I still get broody and I also often (very often) think of those 2 babies that I lost and what they would have been like.

Don't give up hope.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Disclaimer

Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer