People would say: "You'll get over it soon and then you can try again" or "Give it a wee rest and then try again" it felt so flippant.
When I was 3 months pregnant I caught a tummy bug which knocked me ill for three days. After the third day when the sickness stopped I still didn't feel quite right, then I had a bleed. A trip to hospital confirmed our worst fear; no heart beat.
My husband and I returned home and began the wait until the following week to go in for a procedure to end our pregnancy. Over the next few days I began to bleed heavily and I miscarried naturally before my scheduled appointment.
One thing that happened to us that I was not warned about, was that after a day of what felt like labour pains I passed our baby, still in the amniotic sac.
Devastated at what we had seen, we had to take our poor unborn child to the hospital.
We were in total shock, I had no idea that the process would be so physical and it still confuses me that it was never explained to me that this could have happened. To this day, almost 3 months on, if I think about it I feel completely overwhelmed with guilt about my poor baby's fate, there was no dignity in this end to my pregnancy for me or for that poor little guy (or girl).
The idea that people think this is something you get over is, to me, ridiculous. I never want to forget that I carried my child for 3 months, I never want to forget that my longing for a second child existed, I never want to think that being pregnant again will fill the void that losing my baby created. I want to feel the pain, I want to grieve for my baby, I want to go through all the emotions and ensure that I love the baby I lost as it deserved to be loved. They may not have made it but for 3 months that little child grew inside me, it's heart did beat once and that matters. In time I know we will try again but not to fill a void. We will try again because we will want and love another child.
My wanting to feel grief isn't morbid, in fact I think everyone should be encouraged to embrace the feelings of guilt and sadness and know that they have lost something so special - it is important to acknowledge it in order to know that you can one day move forward (without forgetting).
Three months has passed and I still experience moments of overwhelming grief and I still shed tears for what our family lost. For me it was the opportunity to have another beautiful child to accompany the perfect boy I already have, for my husband it was the chance of having the daughter he longs for and most the heartbreaking thing is that my beautiful boy has (unknowingly) lost the playmate he longs for.
I am now beginning to be more hopeful about the future, my son will be a brilliant big brother and I want that for him. My husband and I are lucky to have such a sweet little man in our lives, I just hope that one day we add to our family, for all of us not just me.
Please note that the opinions expressed by users in Tommy’s Book of #misCOURAGE are solely those of the user, who is unlikely to have had medical training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of Tommy’s and are not advice from Tommy's. Reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment from a qualified health care provider. We strongly advise readers not to take drugs that are not prescribed by your qualified healthcare provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, midwife or hospital immediately. Read full disclaimer