I wanted children more than anything in the world. Like lots of girls, I'd felt like this since playing with dolls as a child. I would get married and have children because that's what people do and that's what I wanted. My plans started well - I went to university, met someone special and we were married when I was 26.
I couldn't wait to start the next stage and we started trying for a baby shortly before our wedding. The wedding came and went but the pregnancy didn't happen. After a year or so we began fertility investigations but by now the stresses of this (and unrelated things) had taken their toll on our relationship and my husband and I separated. At this point the investigations had only established that there was no problem with him.
The NHS won't carry out fertility investigations on single people and refused to continue the investigations on me. I was left knowing that there was a problem with me but didn't know what it was and therefore whether I would be able to have children. During the following 8 years I had some short term relationships and took risks as I would have been far from disappointed to get pregnant. I was always honest with sexual partners. It never happened.
Then 9 months into a new relationship, I fell pregnant for the first time ever. I was overjoyed. It had been almost 10 years since I started trying for a baby and I was now 34 (much older than I'd planned). I had never been so happy. My partner was happy too and I couldn't wait to tell everyone...which I did. The day I found out my life changed. I planned for everything, shopped and had a permanent grin. I didn't even consider that anything bad could happen.
At just over 8 weeks on 10/05/10 (the day before my birthday) I felt a gush down below. That second everything changed.
I went to A&E. It was horrific. I was in a mess (both emotionally and physically) and the staff seemed insensitive.
I was in pain and bleeding heavily. I was kept in and had surgery to remove everything the following day (on my birthday).
Devastated doesn't describe the way I felt. My dream was gone. I would never know the most important person in my life... the person I'd longed to meet for most of my life. I felt like nobody understood how I felt and remember the 'these things happen for a reason' comment and how much I wanted to lash out at that person. Why say that? Why would you think that is a helpful? I didn't want to be around people and shut myself away to mourn because that's what I needed to do.
After a few months we started trying again. It didn't happen. After another year I finally got the fertility investigations that I'd started 10 years ago. I shouldn't have placed so much importance on them as they couldn't find anything. Unexplained infertility they called it. We were at the end of the road and the only option open to us was IVF. It was the only option so obviously we did it.
Almost another year later I got pregnant from our first round of IVF. Early scans were performed by the IVF clinic and all seemed good. We were discharged to NHS care at 8 weeks pregnant. I'd had a bit of nausea up to this point which subsided around this time leaving me with no pregnancy symptoms at all. I was a quite concerned that the nausea had gone but I wasn't bleeding. I continued to enjoy the fact that I was pregnant again.
At our 12 week scan there was no heartbeat. The sonographer said the baby (she didn't use the word baby but that's what it was to me) had grown to around 8 weeks. The same as last time. It was called a missed miscarriage and I would need the surgery again. They booked me in...2 days later. I had to spend the next 2 days carrying around my dead baby. The thought was horrifying. I couldn't begin to deal with the loss when my baby was still there.
I couldn't believe that it had happened again, after everything we'd been through to get pregnant and at the same point. There was obviously a problem.
I spoke to my GP who told me that the NHS won't investigate miscarriage until you've had 3 and I'd only had 2. This meant that we were going to have to go through IVF again to get pregnant knowing that there was a high chance that I'd miscarry and only then would they investigate. I wasn't willing to do that so we paid the IVF clinic to carry out the investigations. It was costly but turned out to be the best decision we ever made. I fell pregnant naturally whilst we were waiting for the results to come back.
When the results came back they showed that there were numerous issues including thrombophilia (blood clotting on the placenta) and immune issues. The journey for us has now ended and I'm extremely blessed to have 2 children thanks to IVF, tests, lots of drugs and even more money but I will NEVER get over the loss of my babies.
When I look at my beautiful daughter and son I'm overwhelmed with love for them but also the realisation of what I lost.
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