Story of #miscourage by Anonoymous,
This is our story.
I was never overly bothered for children when I was younger, until I met my husband. Things changed, and I could see how having a child together would make our lives so much more full of laughter and joy, and yes, sleepless nights too!
We were married in 2015, and in January 2016 started trying for a baby. After 6 months of tracking ovulation etc, we had no success. Given that I was 36 we went to the GP and had the basic blood/sperm tests and everything was all clear. We were waiting to for an initial appointment with the infertility team when, as luck would have it, we fell pregnant! I didn’t believe the first test, so I re-tested the next day with a different brand and got a digital one (so its in black and white for us). All 3 were positive. We were so very happy.
A few days later, I had a sharp pain on my left side and phoned 111 who sent us to a GP. The GP referred us for a scan / blood test to see if it was an ectopic pregnancy. We had the scan and everything was where it was meant to be – it was too early to detect a heartbeat so we had to go back to hospital in 2 weeks. During this time, everything was fine. We went for the follow up and a heartbeat was detected we were so happy our baby was fine and we had seen it. I was 6 weeks 5 days. I felt absolutely fine; no symptoms other than peeing a lot, and feeling warmer and my heart rate felt faster, no sickness, no sore boobs, I thought I was in line for an easy pregnancy.
Over the next few weeks, I had my midwife appointment and started to get excited.
However, around 10 weeks 6 days, I started spotting and I knew then that my baby was gone. I tried to stay calm and phoned the hospital the next day who were quite unhelpful. Two days later the bleeding had gotten heavier so went to A & E who did some more bloods and told me to go back it if got worse. By that evening, my bleeding was heavy so I went back. The doctor there was very dismissive, and said they couldn’t scan me for at least another week. He said if I was miscarrying, there was nothing they could do to stop it and suggested if I was that worried to go for a private scan. So we did. On 3 December my worst fears were confirmed - I had lost our baby. It was a missed miscarriage and my baby had died around 7 weeks 5 days, so our baby had survived 1 week after we had seen it.
We were beyond heartbroken. There are no words to describe the pain that came from hearing those words, or having to break the news to the close family and friends who we had told. It was horrible. Luckily, we had a support around us, which was a big help. We went to the hospital (who suddenly managed to find an appointment for me) who confirmed that the baby was still there, and I was given my options. I decided as I had started heavy bleeding, it was better to let nature take its course and if there were any difficulties, then we would let medicine intervene. However, 2 days later, after what can only be described as labour type pain, I lost our baby at home. My gym instructor was pregnant at the same time I was and was due 2 days after me, so seeing her every week, watching her belly grow and her body change while mine stayed the same, was very hard. I tried hard to remind myself that it wasn’t her fault we had lost our baby.
We were told we should wait for negative pregnancy tests, one period and then we could start trying again. We were quite optimistic as again 4 days after my period was due I got a positive test! I felt different. I felt pregnant and felt like this was our baby, I was very fatigued and constantly hungry, but very happy. However, 2 weeks later while at work, I felt funny, so went to the loo and the toilet bowl was full of blood and I knew. The unthinkable had happened. I was losing another baby.
We went to the emergency GP who confirmed I was more than likely having another miscarriage.
I began to feel dizzy and faint over the weekend so my husband took me to the local hospital, where I was told I had a “threatened miscarriage”. I was booked in for a scan at the EPAU 3 days later, and the nurses tried so hard to keep me positive and reassure me but I knew. As she scanned, I could see her face. She looked so sad when she said there is no evidence of a baby and my womb lining was too thin to support any pregnancy. My blood test also confirmed the same, instead of being in the thousands, they were 300. Again, I chose to go home and let nature take its course. Although we knew what to expect, it didn’t make the process any easier and we were devastated. I had lost 2 of our children in 3 months. We were heartbroken beyond belief. Again, our friends cried with us and supported us, and we will be more grateful to them than they will ever know.
There was not much support from the GP or hospital, I turned to the Miscarriage Association website and other online forums for support. Talking to others made me realise how common it is, and how every emotion you feel – someone else has felt it and you are not alone and your feelings are valid. I’ve heard some things from people which made my blood boil such as, maybe its nature’s way of telling you not to have children. Or maybe your just not meant to be a mum! Do you think you’re too old? And the ones I am sure we have all heard; maybe you can’t carry boys/girls, at least you can get pregnant, you can try again, maybe there was something wrong with it etc, or everything happens for a reason. I know people say things because they don’t know what to say – just say you don’t know what to say and that you’re sorry for our loss. They were our children. They might not be to others, but to us they were. We were planning a life with our family, and now that’s gone.
In March of 2017, I decided to run the Bradford 10k in to raise money for the Miscarriage Association. On the day of the race my period was 4 days late so I took a test, but because I was in a rush to get to the race I didn’t look at it properly (glanced and saw only 1 clear line) so off I went to the race. I kept seeing lots of rainbows and thought it was lovely that I was seeing rainbows while I was running the race for rainbow babies. When I got home from the race, I checked the test again as it was still where I left it when I looked again – 2 lines! I shouted my husband to double check I wasn’t seeing things, and nope I wasn’t. We were pregnant again. We were happy, yet very apprehensive as you can imagine. However 3 days later at work, I began bleeding again. I phoned my husband and told him the sad news, and I phoned our GP so that we could be referred to the hospital for investigations. It was very hard to think I had failed again, not just my husband but I had let everyone down. I had lost 3 of our children in 4 months.
After having all manner of blood test, HSG scans etc all confirmed that we were normal and that there was no medical evidence to explain our losses. Having our losses be unexplained is reassuring as it means there are no underlying medical issues however it doesn’t really provide any answers so there is no way of knowing if we will continue to lose our children or if the next time is the sticky one. It’s a difficult situation and sadly no-one can really help.
Having to watch other people have their families and get their happy news is hard, no matter when you lost your baby, it’s been 1 week since I lost my last baby, 12 months since I lost our first baby and it still hurts. It’s not that we don’t share their joy, and we are so very happy for others, but it doesn’t take away from our sadness or heartbreak and those feelings ae valid. I have never been a jealous person, but hearing others talk (or moan) about being pregnant can sometimes truly be heart breaking.
October was very hard, its when I got my very first positive test and next week is when my second baby would have been due. It is also the month I lost my mother so not only have I been through a hell most people can’t imagine (nor would I want them to) I have had to do it without my mum. You can imagine my shock when I discovered on 10 October I was pregnant again! I phoned the EPAU straight away and booked a scan and called the GP to arrange for early antenatal care.
This pregnancy was different, I had sore boobs and nausea and felt things were going well. I started to spot but only very small amounts and had no pain. I began to worry but was told spotting was quite common, had a scan at 6 weeks which meant baby was 4 weeks old so we saw gestational sac and yolk sac. I continued to spot and went back 10 days later for another scan and saw foetal pole, but sadly no heartbeat. We were told to go back 10 days later, which we did which showed only 2mm growth and no heartbeat. I knew at that point this baby had gone too and later that night I started heavy bleeding and I sadly lost baby number 4. I was asked by the hospital to “collect” it and take it to the hospital so they could send it off for testing to see why all my children die. This was by far one of the hardest things I have had to do so far in this journey, to see it there was heart-breaking. At the time of writing this I am being referred by my GP to a specialist in early miscarriage and early pregnancy following recurrent miscarriage. I am numb, I am empty, I feel like I have let everyone down including my husband, I hate my body as it cant keep my babies safe and no-one can tell me why.
Everyone means well and tells us we have to keep trying but I think that’s a very easy thing to say especially when you haven’t been through what we have. I know they mean well and it is said out of a place of happiness. I hope they are right and that one day I am able to tell you we will get our happily ever after and have a baby of our own, although if I am honest, I suspect we will have to find a way to accept that its not going to happen for us and we will never be parents.
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