#misCOURAGE story, 16/05/2017, by Rachel
My whole life I have always known I wanted to have children. So finding out I was pregnant was the best feeling in the world.
I was very aware of miscarriages and relieved everything seemed ok. Then came the 12 week scan. It was taking a long time and was very painful as the sonographer was pushing so hard. "It's not good news I'm afraid, there's no heartbeat"!
Wow, just like that our dream was ripped away.
"Please follow me...(right past all the pregnant people in the waiting room) to this room, someone will be with you shortly". At this point nobody had explained that we had had a missed miscarriage.
Someone then came to get us to take us back past all the pregnant people and to another ward where we met Laura. Laura was wonderful and carefully explained our options.
I couldn't understand how I had had a miscarriage and my body didn't know. I wanted to know odds of it happening again, I wanted reassurance which nobody can give.
I choose to take tablets to help everything pass which meant a few days at home cramping and waiting for it to happen.
What a devastating time that was but I was determined to get back to normal and returned to work as though nothing had happened. I told my boss but otherwise didn't want people to know.
It felt so personal and so painful and I wasn't ready to share.
One of the cruel things about a missed miscarriage is how long it takes for your body to clear the pregnancy hormones. I had to keep taking pregnancy tests for a month until I got a clear result to make sure everything had passed.
Getting positive after positive when you know you are not (and that is all you want in the world) is truly heartbreaking.
Miscarriage taught me a lot. The biggest lesson for me was that you never know what someone is going through. I remember comments at work like "you'll be having babies next" smiling it off with a dash to the toilet for a little cry.
I am one of the lucky ones though and am so thankful for the 2 lovely children I now have. My children have helped me to heel and I feel extremely lucky when there is so much sadness in the world of fertility, pregnancy and birth.
The reason for sharing my story now is that I felt so alone, I didn't really know anyone who had had a miscarriage or understood how I was feeling.
I felt ashamed at the time to talk openly about it because I didn't want people to think I wanted sympathy.
I talk openly about it now in the hope that it encourages others to realise they are not alone.
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